My stomach sank as I read “From: You’ll never know.” I hate anonymous gifts almost as much as I hate no gifts at all. I ripped open the card and read further:

I see you everywhere. I’ve been watching you and reading everything you write for years. I love you! XOXOX, Your Secret Admirer

My stomach felt a little queasy and the following thoughts sped through my mind: What the fresh hell? Pretty flowers, though. Shit, how does this person know I love sunflowers and daisies? Ugg, what else do they know about me? Which brother should I ask to sleep on my couch tonight in case someone tries to murder me? Do I choose the brother I want to spend my last moments with, or do I choose the one with the most free time. Dammit! I wonder if I could find a Hello Kitty gun at a local gun shop. Wait, do Hello Kitty guns require regular bullets or cuter, more sparkly ones?

The receptionist watched me panic for a few minutes and then smiled knowingly as she handed me a second card:

Sarah, we love you and cherish the time we get to spend with you! Thanks for always being there for me, and loving me. Love, your brother Jeff

I love my brother, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to kick him in the face.

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

Face-Kicking Anonymous is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

While everyone is freaking out over your new privacy settings that go into effect today, I’m sitting back mildly amused. I work in advertising so, for me, the more targeting information the better I am at my job. I say, bring it!

That said, I do still have an issue with you. Let’s talk about your Groupon style program, Google Offers, shall we? With your advanced targeting capabilities and data collection you should have the ability to stop sending me such crap offers. Here’s the info you have on me:

From this it’s safe to assume I wouldn’t be interested in, well, ANY of the offers you’ve sent me. Let’s go through them one by one.

A meat offer? Really? When I’m in my gmail account you serve me ads pertaining to vegan and vegetarian lifestyles, which are relevant. Meat offers notsomuch. I do appreciate that the meat is all natural, but it’s still animal flesh. Yuck.

A couples getaway AND a couples massage? Google, you know I’m single. Do you really need to rub it in my face? Jackass.

And my favorite… gun offers. Oh Google, you’re so silly. I don’t own firearms, want to own firearms or need to own firearms. So firearm training? Not really my thing.

If I could go ahead and personally order my Google Offers here’s what I would be interested in:

• A couples massage WITH Anderson Cooper
• A couples getaway WITH Bon Jovi
• Wine, chocolate and/or coffee savings to enjoy while naked in bed with Anderson Cooper and/or Bon Jovi
• Dog kennel savings – I’m certainly not interested in taking Asshole Puppy on my lovecation with Anderson Cooper or Bon Jovi. That whore dog will steal all my snuggle time.

I think that provides you with sufficient information to suck me into your savings ploy.

Love,
Sarah

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

An Open Letter To Google, Anderson Cooper & Bon Jovi is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

Me: “For best supporting male in my pants.”

Friend: “OMG, I love you so hard!!!”

Me: “Funny, that’s exactly what I said to him.”

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

Why The Oscars Aren’t My Thing is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

Um, yeah.

And remember that time I was a vegan for a year and the economy went to shit because I wasn’t buying fancy cheese and Red Iguana’s cheese enchiladas?

Um, yeah.

Well, I’ve done it again. I stupidly decided to take it a step further and try a juice die. For the last week, I’m been juicing all this shit:

Sure the cabbage, apple and carrot juice is delicious, but it tastes nothing like red wine and peanut and butter sandwiches. If I don’t have perfect skin, lose 10 pounds and look five years younger, I’m gonna be forced to cut more than fruits and vegetables.

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

Another Exercise in Stupidity, err, Self-Control is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!