Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm http://www.sarahnielson.com Where Sarcasm Comes Standard Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:38:06 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 en hourly 1 I think there’s a goddamn life lesson in here. I just know it. http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/11/i-think-theres-a-goddamn-life-lesson-in-here-i-just-know-it/ http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/11/i-think-theres-a-goddamn-life-lesson-in-here-i-just-know-it/#comments Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:30:55 +0000 Sarah http://www.sarahnielson.com/?p=5932 I think there’s a goddamn life lesson in here. I just know it. is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

]]> Today as I cleaned up all the dog shit in my backyard I ran across this teeny flower:

photo 11 I think theres a goddamn life lesson in here. I just know it.

I stood still and stared at the flower for the next five minutes. Maybe I needed the visual reminder that underneath all life’s shit it’s possible to find something special.

Or maybe I was just scared of stepping in crap.

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

I think there’s a goddamn life lesson in here. I just know it. is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

]]> http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/11/i-think-theres-a-goddamn-life-lesson-in-here-i-just-know-it/feed/ 0 The next time I get new business cards I want them to read: Sarah Nielson, Sperm Thief http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/10/the-next-time-i-get-new-business-cards-i-want-them-to-read-sarah-nielson-sperm-thief/ http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/10/the-next-time-i-get-new-business-cards-i-want-them-to-read-sarah-nielson-sperm-thief/#comments Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:35:20 +0000 Sarah http://www.sarahnielson.com/?p=5920 The next time I get new business cards I want them to read: Sarah Nielson, Sperm Thief is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

]]> Last week Lou Reed turned 68, which means it’s only a matter of time before he’s dead.

I’m not being morbid, I’m just planning ahead. I need to steal his sperm before he dies.

I was in junior high school the first time I heard a Lou Reed song. By the first chorus I knew I wanted to make lots and lots of chubby babies with him.

It was his voice.

It’s always the voice. Some woman are attracted to a nice ass or washboard abs. Those qualities are nice, but a sexy voice gets me every single time.

Now that he’s getting older it’s time to make those babies. I’m no spring chicken myself.

I haven’t finalized my plan yet. I know, I know… I’ve had a zillion years to work on it, but I’m a procrastinator, even when it comes to man juice.

Oh. My. God. I just typed man juice and giggled. Maybe I AM a spring chicken after all.

So far my plan involves a flight to New York City and some master stalking skills. When I find him I think I’ll just be frank with him and say, “Hi, Lou, my name is Sarah and I’m here to steal your sperm.”

Just in case he’s not down with it, I’ll have a concoction of Rohypnol and Viagra ready. The plan isn’t perfect yet, but it will be. It has to be. I need those babies, because God forbid my offspring inherit my voice.

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

The next time I get new business cards I want them to read: Sarah Nielson, Sperm Thief is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

]]> http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/10/the-next-time-i-get-new-business-cards-i-want-them-to-read-sarah-nielson-sperm-thief/feed/ 3 That’s What She Said… About Hobby Hunting http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/09/thats-what-she-said-about-hobby-hunting/ http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/09/thats-what-she-said-about-hobby-hunting/#comments Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:30:19 +0000 Sarah http://www.sarahnielson.com/?p=5915 That’s What She Said… About Hobby Hunting is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

]]> This week’s “That’s What She Said” is about my first cooking class–rephrase: my first ATTEMPTED cooking class.

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That’s What She Said… About Hobby Hunting is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

]]> http://www.sarahnielson.com/2010/03/09/thats-what-she-said-about-hobby-hunting/feed/ 0