Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

My Family

My brother Matt is 31 and the father of my four-year-old
twin niece and nephew, Carter and Hannah, the two most amazing children alive. They live in Utah County which sucks but there is a Starbucks close so we cope. He is an amazing father and I love that about him.

Holli is ageless and is the mother of my adorable niece and nephew. She has good taste in clothes and this is especially great for me twice a year: on my birthday, and Christmas.

My brother Jeff is 26 and has a wife I’m not especially fond of but she makes him happy so that’s good, but because of this I don’t see him as often as I should. They are expecting a child. Jeff is also step-father to an adorable child I call Hula Girl. Jeff may have the good nose but also has a receding hairline. This makes my other brothers very happy.

My brother Ben is 24 and married to his banjo. He has gross facial hair that scares small children. Of all my siblings I am the closest to him. This may have something to do with the fact he lets me boss him around and will go to the pub with me.

My brother Chad(y-bear) is 20 and currently on an LDS mission to Japan. He sends me enough Hello Kitty paraphernalia that I am able to overlook the fact he ditched his family for God.

My Mom is the best mom alive. You can read about that here. She is the most kind woman I’ve ever met. Sadly, I did not inherit this trait. My love of books came from her, my love of crappy reality television did not.

My Dad is a diabetic and because of a lifetime of insulin injections has scar tissue on his arms that make his biceps look larger. When I was a child I thought he could beat up anyone, and I told people often my dad would beat them up. Including my Mormon bishop and middle school principal. He is a leap year baby which is cool because I only have to buy him presents every four years.

Country Carl is a honorary member of the Nielson clan and Ben’s best friend. I’ve known him since he was a little tyke. I taught him how to read, and because of this he can read any profanity set before him. I am, obviously, very proud. This is also why I did not become a teacher. He is one of the most trustworthy and caring individuals I have ever known. In a nutshell: Carl is good people.

My Friends:

Rlo is not as gay as he seems. I know this because he told me so. He is part of the very elite BFF circle. Seriously, not gay. He is a very good friend to have because he bakes and doesn’t mind playing the part of designated driver. He also can be guilted in watching reality TV with me while wearing pajama pants. He also loves veggies. To sum it up: Rlo is beloved.

AK and I met nearly a decade ago when we both worked for his father’s company. The company that was sold off to a bunch of lame brits who didn’t take too kindly to my blog so I left, or was dooced. The AKs are my second family, even if AK does like to talk about bikes and tries to convince me his soy milk is better.

Mrs. AK is also a member of the BFF circle. She is my amazing photographer, snowboard instructor, red wine pal and luckily just as obsessed with The Hills as I am. She’s British which makes her “bloody excellent!” Without her I’d be lost. Her work can be seen at Cottonsox Photography.

Little AK is five and fantastic. She’s likes to talk about Rock of Love with me even though she’s never seen it. She shares my love of pink and chocolate. She has an imaginary Arlo who she bosses around as much as her mother and I boss around the real one.

Boy AK is seven and makes a rocking Elvis for Halloween. He has better hair than anyone on this website. I love him in spite of this fact.

Carmen and I have been friends since we were 18. He’s Canadian and I used to give him a lot of grief over that, now? Notsomuch. He moved to San Diego last year and I cried. Luckily he is moving back soon. Just in time for BBQ season.

Scott is the younger brother of Carmen and is also marrying one of my favorite people Kelli. They live in San Diego, but I’m working very hard to make them move home. So far it’s NOT WORKING!

I’ve known Matt since 1997. The first time we met he introduced himself and my response was something like, “Why the fuck do I care?” He’s hated me ever since. And by hate I mean he secretly likes me, but insists on giving me shit every time he sees me to retain street credit. His hobbies include biking, wearing chain wallets, and reminding me of every crappy guy I’ve ever dated.

Jennifer is my best friend and has known me since we were kids. She is the closest thing I have to a sister and therefore known as my bestest-sister friend. She knows how to comfort me when no one else does and has been doing it for a very long time. I’m lucky to have her, and she is lucky that I never wrecked her car when I drove it while wearing roller blades.

Midge is one of my best friends. We lived next door for ages and share a love of all things cool. She recently married, had a baby and moved to Utah County. We don’t make it to the pub as often as we used to, which is tragic.

Grown Up Hannah is my favorite member of “Team Wyoming.” She is also my favorite person to drink with at Gallivan Summer Series. I like her because she doesn’t suck and hosts Lost parties that I never manage to attend. She is the queen of kickball.

Brock is currently fired, but will be in my good graces soon, as he’s on my kickball team and who can stay mad at Brockstar forever? We like to play card games, drink and listen to “Hootie and the Blowfish” music.

Nate has dimples and good hair. He is pretty to look at and is the best at planning camping trips that I usually forget to attend. This year, I swear!

Maddie recently moved here from California and I’m trying my best to keep her from slitting her wrists because of this. We met online in the blog world, but I like to tell people I know her from sex. She likes to remind me of all the good shopping she was able to do while living in near San Fran. My dog loves to cuddle her butt and this makes me very jealous, because I want to cuddle her butt.

Aimee and the Punk Rock Sisters are some of my favorite people, and have been deemed as sisters. I don’t see them as often as I like. This is depressing because no one else likes to talk about Buffy and The Vampire Slayer.

Little Bit is Aimee’s daughter and unlike any child I’ve ever met. She is full of imagination and good stories. I get my best clothing advice and ideas from her.

Bishop Deal is my pretend LDS bishop. I like to have sandwiches with him and Therapy Thursdays. He invited me to his family home evening once, but when I found out they weren’t serving wine I declined.

The Yuppie is the man I dated last summer. I am lucky to have him as a friend. He looks exactly like Jim from The Office and likes to go clubbing. He has Sinatra eyes and a kind, yet sarcastic, heart. He doesn’t think “The Yuppie” fits him. He is clearly wrong. Owning an expensive espresso machine and having a liquor selection larger then my local liquor store definitely qualifies him.

FlyBoy was a man I dated for a few months in the summer of 2006. I only mention him now because he was blogged about a lot back then and was mentioned frequently in my column “The Dating Years.” He looked like Matthew McConaughey, but cleaner. He flies an F16 which makes him even hotter than McConaughey.

The Kid is a coworker of mine who is twelve. He puts up with me on a daily basis and deserves an award for doing so. He has a strange obsession with Patrick Swayze and nerd stuff. He maintains this site and tries to score me Girl Scout cookies when he can, which is never. If your around 20 years old and hot you should date him. Crazy girls need not apply.

PMK and JB are old coworkers who probably miss me lots and lots. We have geek lunches on occasion where they bore me with more bike talk and sports. PMK also likes veggies.

To be continued…