Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

Action Nerd: “ Hey Sarah, if the four of us climb K2 you’re going to have to die… OK?”

Me: “First of all no, and secondly why would the four of us even do that?! We can’t make it to the freaking hot dog cart together, let alone climb the world’s second largest mountain.”

Action Nerd: “Whatever. You’re going.”

Me: “No, I’m not.. besides why do I have to die? Art Nerd is way more likely to die.”

Action Nerd: “Sarah, only one in four people survive and they are never women. You’re just going to have to die so we can live.”

Me: “I’m not dying for you jerks. Plus, if I’m going to climb a mountain it’s sure as hell not going to be with three nerds. That’s days of math, chemistry and code talk. No way.”

Action Nerd: “Sarah, if the safety of your family were at stake, then  would you climb it with us?”

Me: “Fine. If someone threatened to kill my family unless I climbed K2 with a group of nerds, well, then I’d go.”

Action Nerd: “Sweet, you’re committed.”

“Sarah your hair is so curly today.”

“Yeah, I was going for a Molly Ringwald look with the hair and 80s style skirt.”

“But she has red hair.”

“Squint a little and pretend I do.”

“OK.”

“Did I pull if off? Do I look Molly?”

“Well, you mostly look like Sarah Nielson to me.”

Sometimes I forget that the only female fashion a nerd understands is Princes Leia.

The one time I leave my computer unlocked and go to lunch, I find this on my calendar:

AND a screen saver that’s likely illegal in 45 states. I’ll spare you the visual.

These nerds have no idea who they are messing with. I’m so gonna take their Star Wars action figures out of the box and place them in non-missionary sexual positions. Oh, the horror…

“Sarah, Caleb and Andrew both think Little Mermaid is hot.”

“Of course they do. They are nerds. It’s in their DNA to have a thing for cartoon characters.”

“So this is normal?”

“Of course not. She’s a damn mermaid. They have the hots for a fish.”

Bagel Friday is a holiday for my nerds. They love free bagels at work, and I love seeing them appreciate something outside the Apple product line.

If Apple comes out with a bagel shaped product I’m going to kill myself. Unless, of course, they kill me first for ruining Bagel Friday.

A few months ago, while cutting my bagel, I accidentally sliced my finger. Instead of using the blood as a cream cheese substitute, I dropped the knife and fashioned a tourniquet out of pink Post-it notes and paper towels. I finished just in time to see my Chief Nerd pick up the blood and skin covered knife to slice his bagel.

Inside my head I was screaming at him to stop.

Outside my head… not so much.

I watched as he consumed his bagel and a side of my skin. I wanted to stop him, but couldn’t move. I blame the blood loss.

Later in the day he started complaining about a stomachache.

Holy shit. I poisoned a nerd with awesome. Finally a technical skill to be proud of.

I still wasn’t going to say anything, but I started feeling like an evil cross between Microsoft Windows and every single evil comic book character.

I came clean.

He didn’t talk to me for days.

I didn’t let it bother me. I just assumed he was just super busy morphing into a super sonic Sarah.

I thought the incident had been forgotten, but last week the bagels came pre-sliced. The nerds were ecstatic, which I thought was weird. Typically nerds love using knifes. It’s like a mini-sword fight at the office.

It all made sense when a nerd exclaimed, “This is fantastic. If we could have pre-sliced bagels every Friday, I could keep so much of Sarah’s skin out of my system.”

My nerds are soooo unappreciative.