Yesterday, flying home from Chicago, I was forced to take my pants off in a dirty airport bathroom.

Before my flight home boarded I made a quick trip to the bathroom because I’m allergic to gross and nothing is grosser than airplane bathrooms. Right before I exited the stall I noticed my underwear on backwards. That’s the danger of boy short style undies and being in a rush to make a flight. I thought I’d be able to easily take off my pants and fix my undies, but just as I was about to drop my jeans I noticed liquid on the floor. Not wanting to risk the “is this pee or water” game I stepped onto the toilet seat to take care of business. Trying to maneuver a slippery plastic “let’s prevent toilet herpes” covered toilet seat with my pants half off in flip flops was not a good idea. Seeing that my foot was dangerously close to the germy toilet water I hopped off the toilet seat as fast as possible. In the process my left flip flop flew off my foot and under the next stall which, of course, wasn’t empty.

I froze.

There was no way I was going to walk out without a shoe. Um, germs much? No way. I’d rather die in a stall than walk barefooted on that floor. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t have my phone with me so I couldn’t send an emergency SOS text message to Summer, who was waiting for me in the terminal. Just as I was about to have a complete meltdown a perfectly manicured hand reached under my stall and handed me my shoe. Without saying a word. Not one. No laughing, nothing.

I’m convinced it was the hand of God. And people, it’s my job to tell you that God is a woman. With hooker red nails.

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NEW RULE: Wear Pants is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

Let’s just get this out of the way, shall we? Do you see my suitcase? Yeah, I packed my baby blanket because, apparently, I’m still six-years-old. Luckily the blanket is pink and therefore matches my second security blanket: my pink flask.

If anyone needs me I’ll be cuddled up in the corner drinking. Heavily. For the rest of you there will be a guest post tomorrow to keep you company and it will have nothing to do with BlogHer. I promise.

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And… we’re off. is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

Twitter!! All it takes is one technology boner and everything is instantly forgiven. Well that and seeing this:

Is Jesus being a stoner news? I didn’t read a lot of Bible stories so I’m not positive, but that long unwashed hippie hair sort of gives it away.

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Boners Are News is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

What is wrong with me? I just got home from a vacation, I shouldn’t be this grumpy. But my apartment looks even smaller than I remember, and thanks to my downstairs neighbor everything reeks of greasy Chinese food.

Or maybe the funk is due to the fact I woke up to snow:

Usually I come home and find Daisy running in circles because she’s so happy to see me. Without her, though, my apartment just seems depressing. I’m hoping picking her up from the kennel after work today will snap me out of post vacation funk. If not there’s always alcoholism and drug abuse.

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Vacation Blues or Real Life Blows is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!