Tales of Wit and Charm…

It’s Tuesday and my body is still sore as hell. Sports are hard.

I made The Kid go to lunch with me today. He hated it 43% of the time. Hate is good for you, like protein.

Wondering if the bruises all over my legs will fade so I can wear a skirt to the symphony with The Yuppie. If not he has an excellent back up plan: I will be Kristen and he will be Client #9. His profession may be the epitome of boring,but he is not.

My iPhone is no longer the bane of my existence. It may lock up occasionally but if that’s the price I must pay to have Hello Kitty on it, so be it.

I’ve been with my new company for three months and I only remember the names of ten people. Much like sports, names are hard.

I have a new column debuting next week with In Utah This Week and have yet to come up with a proper name. This stresses me out. I told you, names are hard!

reasons why i might be considered white trash:

1. i had stripper-white hair for one week.
2. i own a shot glass collection.
3. i like drinking two buck chuck.
4. my fridge contains pre-made jello cups.
5. i gas up at maverick.
6. my dinner plates are plastic.
7. i don’t own matching wine glasses.
8. i own camouflage.
9. i grew up in a town of 300.
10. i love gas station hot dogs.

let me explain…

1. made a very poor choice in getting my hair colored, but am now back to my natural dirty blond.
2. i’ve never purchased a shot glass–ak started bringing them home to me from each of his business trips years ago.
3. it’s good and cheap, shut up!
4. i don’t like to cook, and jello counts as cooking.
5. it has the best people watching. and hot dogs.
6. target has cute summer dishes.
7. i’m a clutz and broke all my pretty ones last year.
8. shoes don’t count.
9. not my choice.
10. see number five.

picture it…

i’m in a one-on-one appointment with someone i admire, and look up to a great deal, when my phone starts ringing. i quickly try to silence it, but instead accidentally answer it and place it back into my bag. i continue on with my conversation until i hear a man yelling from inside my handbag. i realize my mistake, terminate the call, blush and move on. if my ring tone wasn’t aqua’s “barbie girl” song, it may have lessened the humiliation factor.

i’ve GOT to start remembering to put my phone on vibrate, of all people you’d think i’d have that mastered.

when i’m depressed i let my dog sleep on my bed.
i can’t break the diet coke habit, no matter how hard i try. sometimes i drink one with a vitamin and consider it breakfast.
i think my legs are too fat.
i have a weakness for shoes, they live in a giant pile at the bottom of my closet. i always say i’m going to get a shoe organizer, but i never do.
i like to be earth friendly, but i use paper bowls sometimes because i hate doing dishes.
i do yoga almost every day and count it as exercise.
i stress out every single day over what to wear.
i hate most of my clothing and wish i had a better sense of fashion.
i hate that kate spade discourages light pink because it’s cute and she hates cute.
i like to make fun of things, but hate being called judgemental.
i’m nervous to sleep with new people.
if i could, i’d wear my pink ‘roos every single day, even with dresses.
i hate my hair, but am afraid if i cut it shorter or change the color i won’t be pretty.
sometimes i look in the mirror and think i’m pretty, other times i think i’m too ugly to leave the house.
whatever i wear to bed has to match, even though no one is going to see me.
i’m addicted to lip balm.
i make lists for everything, but usually forget them.
i think god and my mother are confused about the year i was born. i certainly don’t feel 31.

as suggested by lincoln, here is a post of self revelations:

If cooked cauliflower didn’t smell so badly, I’d eat it every night.
I have a weakness for cheese. And ice cream.
I’m trying really hard to buy things in other colors besides pink.
I can’t stand clean clothes on the floor, even when they’re someone else’s.
I’m scared of Math.
I watch more TV than I should.
I sleep with baby blanket.
I miss sleeping with one certain man, and only that man. He cuddles properly.
I wish I could cook. I wish I had a real kitchen to learn to cook.
I crave gas station hot dogs all the time, but hate eating meat.
I’m a neat freak, but my apartment looks like it suffered an explosion.
I wonder all the time if I’ll ever love someone again.
Sometimes I play favorites with my niece and nephew, but I love them the same.My sister-in-law, Holli, had the best fashion and I wish I could steal her clothes.
I didn’t like said sister-in-law at first, but now I love her dearly and can’t imagine not having her as a sister.
I worry Ben will marry someone I hate.
If I don’t like the ending of a book, I rewrite it.
I hope to someday write a book and have someone care enough to read it.
I regret not finishing a degree, and have recently vowed to finish.
I miss working with my geeks.
I hate writing with anything other than blue ink pens.
I am a giant flake, but have no interest in changing.
I pretend I don’t care what others think of me, but I do. A lot.