Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

I love documentaries, but watching them comes at a price. I am naturally anxiety ridden, so when I’m given something valid to worry about I do. A lot.

Last week FSB(f) and I watched “Gasland” – a documentary about the hazards of drilling for natural gas. The movie was great, but all I could think about was that my tap water was contaminated with natural gas and would kill asshole puppy or worse my house would blow up.

I was busy planning a living will in my head when I heard FSB(f) fumbling around with something in the kitchen. I walked in and found him with a lighter heading towards my kitchen sink. Worried that the house would blow up I grabbed my phone to document our death. iPhones are pretty much the same thing as an airplane black box, right?

We lived, obviously, but my gas induced worries aren’t over. I made FSB(f) promise to check for gas in the water once a week and have added “find Hello Kitty water filter ASAP” to my shopping list.

“Sarah, do you have a computer mouse I can use?”

He looked at me in disbelief as I handed him the only spare mouse. “Um, really? A Hello Kitty mouse?”

“Yes. Cool, right? The AKs brought it back from Japan for me.”

He ignored me, plugged the mouse into his computer and went back to work.

Later that night I changed into something more comfortable than my work clothes. When I walked out of my bedroom wearing the most ridiculous pair of 1970s gym pants he looked at me and with zero sarcasm said, “Sarah, you’re so incredibly beautiful.”

“Thanks, but you have to say that. It’s your job. If you’re going to date me your job is to think I’m pretty, like pugs, Anderson Cooper and pink glitter.”

“No on the pink glitter.”

“Fine. What about Hello Kitty instead?”

“If all Hello Kitty products are as well designed as the computer mouse I think I can do that. The Japanese really took the form of the human hand into consideration with that design. Once you get used to the little bows as buttons, the mouse is very user friendly. Hello Kitty’s face really fits into your hand well. On the scale of one to ten I’d give it a 9.5. It’s purrrr-fect.”

I wish I could tell you he was saying this in jest, but with the exception of the ridiculous pun he was quite serious. Give me a month and this boy will be just as obsessed with Hello Kitty as I am…. or he’ll break up with me and torch every store in Utah that carries HK products.

“Can I help you find something?”

“Yes, I’m looking for a low calorie bottle of wine.”

Blank stare.

Blank stare.

Blank stare.

“So… “

“We don’t actually have low calorie wine. What about vodka?”

“Nah, I like the warm fuzzy from red wine, but without so many calories.”

“Maybe weed would better suit you.”

“Weed?”

“Yes. It’s pretty much a warm wine fuzzy, but without the calories.”

“I think I’d like to stick with wine.”

“I’m sorry, but we really don’t have a low calorie wine.”

“What about wine for people with diabetes?”

“I think diabetics can smoke pot, but I’m not a doctor or anything.”

“I’m not a diabetic, I’m a wino trying to watch my figure.”

“We have vodka.”

First wine and cycling and now chocolate. I am officially a fitness failure.

Would you believe me if I told you that I snack and work out in order to save time?  Yeah… didn’t think so.

I’m absolutely terrified of finding a body in my house. It was built in the 50′s and has a creepy crawl space, so chances of discovering skeletal remains are high. I just hope David Boreanaz and the rest of the “Bones” cast is here when it happens.

Oddly enough, I was watching that show when Asshole Puppy’s tennis ball rolled underneath the couch. While retrieving it, I felt something lumpy attached to the couch frame.

DEAD BODY. DEAD BODY. DEAD BODY.

After a moment of hysteria, I realized how ridiculous this assumption was. However, I still waited until a friend arrived to check it out further. You know, just in case.

We found this labeled black bag:

Knowing that killers never leave behind labeled evidence, I fearlessly opened the bag and found extra couch legs. I sighed a deep breath of relief as my friend laughed.

I really should stop watching all things scary. I only have so many friends patient enough to come by each time I think I’ve discovered a body. And this friend? Well… he removed himself from the list. Jerk.