I was so excited about the concert that I picked out a special couch outfit, which is code for tee-shirt and underwear. I couldn’t decide on just one shirt, instead I chose two and switched halfway through the concert. I did, not, however switch underwear. It seemed like a waste of a clean pair. I’m single-handedly saving the environment with my vagina.

First half:

Second half:

After watching the concert I decided Neil should be my BFF. I mean we have sooooo much in common–well except for that wrinkly old man part. He’s Jewish and I work out at the Jewish Community Center. He has a pink sparkly shirt, I have four. OK, so the similarities stop there, but that doesn’t mean the BFF-ship should stop. It’s perfect timing since RLO is practically worthless to me.

(When your BFF falls in love he suddenly become an idiot.)

(RLO didn’t tell me he was in love, but he also didn’t tell me he was Canadian and he totally is.)

(Canadians shouldn’t be allowed to fall in love and ruin lives.)

(So maybe RLO didn’t ruin my life, but eating at the pub isn’t the same without him.)

(Enough about RLO. He pisses me off anyway. Neil Diamond DOES NOT piss me off. Neil Diamond is perfect.)

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My Vagina is a Green Party Hero is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

I live alone with a pug. Daisy has one freaking eye so it’s not like she’s Lassie. If I got stuck and couldn’t reach my phone I’d be a goner. And just like that getting stuck is now one of my fears.

I voiced this fear to another friend who reminded me I have a zillion brothers that would find and save me. Hardly. Those boys are lazy asses. They’d take my silence as their own personal vacation. After thinking about the problem for a few minutes I realized I wouldn’t ever get stuck in my apartment and die. I could easily use the gay husband signal as a beacon to alert RLO that I needed to be saved. Super RLO looks hot in tights, plus he’s a biker so super comfy in spandex.

I’m going to practice the method by getting stuck on my way to the pub. It’s really the best way to get some quality BFF time in. Plus I’m really hungry for a good pub dinner.

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Being Scared Makes me Hungry is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

I really wanted to title the video “Real Men Ride Pink” but didn’t. You’re welcome.

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Why RLO hates me, or why I shouldn’t be allowed to own a Flip: is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

Alternate title 2: Talking Shit on Sugar, Sort of

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How to Look like a Douchebag Online, Part 2 is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!