They send my brothers on missions. Chady-bear turns 20 tomorrow and I can’t see him because he’s in a foreign country serving God or something. And to make matters worse it’s against the rules to phone him.
“Aunt Sarah, Baby Jesus is incredible.”
“What makes his so incredible?”
“Because he lives in outerspace and flies here to grow up.”
“Hannah I’m not good on this whole religion thing, but that sounds a lot more like Superman to me.”
“Who?”
Dear Chadybear,
Thanks for your guilt-ridden letter. Is Mom there with you? I thought writing a lot of letters was a good thing. Little did I know you actually want them in a timely manner. For the record I’m not trying to save stamp money, I’m just lazy about going to the post office. I’ll be better. Maybe.
The new job is great. One of the guys (read: kid) I work with reminds me of you. Because of that I give him as much shit as often as possible. I’m pretty sure he hates it just like you always did, which only encourages me. He’ll get used to it eventually.
I read the part of your letter to Ben where you said you were sad you didn’t spend more time with us because and that we shouldn’t grow up before you get home. Ummm, we agreed and you have nothing to worry about. I’m glad you’re finally accepting our weird humor. Was it the Jesus Band-Aids that paved the way?
I’m sorry you got stuck on the same mission with that Plumb kid from home. He seems like an uptight little prick so it makes sense the holy toast kit we sent you offended him. Tell him to get over it. I know he sucks but try and get along with him. Oh my god, that was way too tender sister for me. How about this advice: just don’t punch him.
So your prophet died. It’s only been a day and I’m already tired of hearing people say it’s sad. It’s really, really not. He was 97. It’s taken over the news completely, as you might imagine. Totally annoying!
Oh and Chady… when you ask for contraband items you need to specify, otherwise you’re going to get porn and fireworks.
Love,
Sissy
I use Google Reader for my RSS feeds, so rarely use the live bookmarks I set up ages ago. Last night, however, I wanted to check my email quickly while reading CNN, so I clicked it. In Google Reader I tend to focus on who sent the email, not the subject line. After seeing these, I realize, that is totally unacceptable. I miss out on Lamanite drinking and naughty Santa games.
Dear Chady-Bear,
Insert one of the following holiday greetings, depending on when this arrives: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter!!
If you don’t get this by Christmas I’m really sorry, I spaced it. I’m fully aware of the fact I’m a crummy sister, but I’m all you’ve got so at least there’s no competition factor. And as much as we both love Holli, we only got her a few years ago. I was there from the start, changing your disgusting diapers, speaking of which I’m still regretting the day Ben fed you his corn.
I can’t believe you aren’t going to be here for Christmas. I hate that. I get that you love God but seriously gone for Christmas? This sucks. I haven’t been home to see the tree; I’m really hoping Mom didn’t pull the crap she did when Ben was on his mission: decorating a Christmas tree outside rather than one nside. Now that was a weird Christmas! I’ve told you this before, but going home without you there isn’t the same… I miss you. How many more minutes until you’re home? I’m not as excited this year as I have been in past years, and I think you being so far away may have something to do with it. I like having my brothers, Holli, and the kids close.
Mom said you wanted beef jerky and hot chocolate–good to see you’re still a freak. Cathy said you can find beef jerky in the liquor stores there, but I guess that’s probably against the rules, so I put two bags in. Mom also mentioned you needed warm gloves, but I’m lousy with all things winter so I’ll leave that one to her. I’m still sporting the stretchy Hello Kitty gloves I’ve had for years. I figured you wanted real gloves, not kid ones. But your real present is a promise from me… I promise to be better about writing you. I know you’re homesick and letters help, I relish in the fact I’m still ahead of Ben in that area!
I love you my sweet, little, Jesus-loving Chady-Bear! Happy holidays!!
Love,
Sissy
PS. The Victoria Secret Catalog was NOT my idea. Ben added it in at the last second, however, I didn’t stop him. Also, we sorta just threw random holiday cards from family. My fridge is full, so…
Sarah: “I decided how you can get Mom & Dad off your back about your hair. Next time they start complaining about how long it is, just tell them grown up Jesus had long hair.”
Ben: “It wouldn’t’ work. I know Dad and he would say something about Jesus walked everywhere and that I never walk anywhere.”
Sarah: “That’s stupid. Jesus only walked because they didn’t have cars. If they did Jesus would’ve certainly been driving.”
Ben: “I wonder what Jesus would have driven.”
Sarah: “Obviously a Prius. It just seems like a Jesus kind of car.”
Ben: “Really? I don’t see it. He probably would just have angels carry him around everywhere. Sorta makes me want to be Jesus.”
Sarah: “Maybe you’re right, but either way we’ve turned Jesus into a very lazy man.”
