Tales of Wit and Charm…

Am I the only childless person tired of hearing about toy recalls? Lead paint? Big freaking deal, who hasn’t ingested a little lead paint in their life? At least with the Aqua-Dot recall it’s for a good reason: GHB is meant for frat parties, NOT children.

Even the Easy-Bake Oven has been recalled, because of a “burn hazard.” No shit! While it is an oven powered by a light bulb, it’s still hot. How else do you overcook those little cakes? And recalling Dunkin’ Donuts glow sticks because kids are choking on the lanyard? Shouldn’t the company be more concerned with the fact kids may eat them? I, for one, put nearly anything with the DD logo in my mouth. And I’m an adult. Ohhh, and another favorite was the recall for Gymboree Pirate Swords because they break and are sharp. Hmmm, a sword that’s sharp? Weird.

I remember as a child the dangerous toys were the best kind, like those giant metal Tonka Trucks. Now those could cause some damage when thrown directly at a younger brother (Sorry Ben!). Long gone are the days of natural selection.

I’m not saying I don’t want your kids to be safe, unless you are the parent of the child who grabbed my ass at the library–in that case just teach your kid some manners: like saying thank you after grabbing the hottest ass in sight, or teaching him to buy me a drink first!

What I’m trying to say is if my brother, Ben, can survive childhood anyone can! Let your kid be a kid and learn their lesson that light bulbs are hot. A childhood just isn’t a childhood without an Easy-Bake Oven.

i am so over diet coke–they tricked me into being healthy! in a rush at the gas station i grabbed the first diet coke i saw, it wasn’t until i was in the car that i noticed it was diet coke plus. PLUS VITAMINS AND MINERALS! sneaky bastards. i swear to god it tasted like carrots and wheat grass. isn’t the entire point of the beverage that it eats your stomach and causes esophageal cancer? i don’t want fortified death. if they start putting b12 in sbux i’m going to lose it.

I want a life coach. Scratch that. I need a life coach! I cannot be trusted to make my own decisions anymore, especially when it comes to men in my life. The good ones I manage to walk away from. The ones who are bad for me I keep around. Not anymore. I’m giving that up for Lent. Because now I totally get Lent. Wikipedia knows everything–way more than that stupid Dex guy in the phonebook commercials.

I can pick out an excellent pair of shoes (i.e. my new camouflage ballet flats), but I can’t pick a man to save my life. Not that I’m comparing men to shoes. Shoes, for me, last longer. I still have (and wear) my first pair of Cons. Yes, I own the same shoes I did in high school. I’m cool like that.

I’m serious about this life coach thing. Therapists are so last year…