Tales of Wit and Charm…

Dear Stranger.

I did not mean to call your child fat. I really didn’t. You only heard part of my comment. You heard, “Oh my god, look at that chubby kid!”

What I said was, “Oh my god, look at that chubby kid. He is soooooo cute! I want to steal him, take him home and have him terrorize my dog while bringing me drinks and changing the TV channel for me.”

If I hadn’t driven away so quickly you would have heard the entire thing. Sure you would have still glared at me, but for a very different reason. You’d have been upset I wanted to kidnap your child and turn him into a slave. However, at least you would have known I thought he was cute enough to turn into a slave.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Utah Residents,

I’m extremely sorry for yesterday’s snowy weather. While I don’t normally control the weather I did offer a prayer to baby Jesus for miserable weather to get out of playing kickball. But that damn baby Jesus showed me a thing or two by providing sunny weather by game time.

Like I said, I’m very sorry and will never pray again. Ever. Unless I see some amazing new jeans that I can’t live without, in which case I’ll throw myself on the department store floor begging and praying for a sale. But otherwise consider me prayer free!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Internet,

Please stop emailing me about Hillary Clinton. I read the news; I watch CNN; I refresh my Internet browser OCD style when it comes to news. With that said, I’m fully aware that Obama is rocking the nation. And guess what, dear Internet? That makes me happy.

I don’t have to explain my political views to you, but rather than reply to the 42 emails in my in box let me go ahead and do, just that, explain.

I’m a Democrat. A proud one. I grew up in a very conservative Republican home, so unlike some people I know, I picked my political party. I wasn’t raised a Democrat. I became one. A choice that I’m very proud of, so don’t give me shit.

I think Obama would make a fine president. In fact, I would be thrilled to see him in office. However, I voted for Hillary, because I am a woman. Like many women today, I remember growing up wondering why a woman couldn’t be President of the United States.

So, when finally a woman is on the ballot did you really think I’d not vote for her? I mean, really? I’m not a feminist by any means. I like men to do stuff for me. And not just in bed.

This is why I voted for Hillary Clinton, but would be just as happy at to have someone like Obama running our country. He bring passion and not just a last name. Plus his wife is pretty hot.

So back off, would ya?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Carter and Hannah,

Happy fourth birthday! The last four years have flown by–you’re growing up too fast. I wish you didn’t live in Utah County, so I could see you more. Twice a month isn’t nearly enough. I feel badly that the only time I see you are when your parents are gone. Remember I’m there because I want to be.

Carter, I’m so happy I didn’t throw you out the window the first time I babysat you. Trust me, I was tempted. You cried so much, more than any baby ever, but my friend Alecia was with me and she talked me out of doing it. You owe Leash your life.

I love you Buddy. More than I ever imagined I could love a small child who likes to play big trucks and wear animals on his clothing. You’ll always be my buddy.

Hannah, you’re everything a little girl should be: cute, pink-loving and spunky. You never stop making me laugh, especially when you attempt to have an adult conversation with me. You use vocabulary just slightly beyond your comprehension, much like your Uncle Ben.

I love you Hannah Gatanna more than the color pink. And you, of all people, will understand that’s a hell of a lot.

I have a Starbucks gift card for both of you in my purse. I couldn’t bother giving it to you on your birthday because Grandma Myrna might have been angry. And I don’t want to anger her. She calls pregnant people fat, so can you imagine what she would do to me if provoked. I’m sure you understand.

I love you two more every single day. You’ve brought our family together in a way that I never expected. I would do anything in the world for you, and would do whatever it took to protect you. You’re the closest things to true love I’ve ever known. Thank you for letting me be your Auntie.

Love, Aunt Sarah

Dear Robert Redford,

I’m over Sundance and therefore feel like I should break up with you as well. After years of attending I’m not nearly as excited to go as I once was. Ticket prices have doubled since I started attending and actually getting the films you want is nearly impossible. I did, however, get a few good documentaries and a free dose of humiliation. There are ways to prevent this–I’ll explain.

When choosing where to place your volunteers never, ever put the hard of hearing at the ticket counter. When you are placing an order and you are asked to repeat the film name over and over until you’re yelling it for all to hear it sucks, because undoubtedly the movie will be Good Dicks, causing said elder, female volunteer to blush and you’ll look end up looking like a dirty pervert.

Think ahead and also please stop sucking my bank account dry.

Love,
Sarah