Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

One of my New Year resolutions was to spend more time writing. So far, this particular resolution has fallen to the wayside. I want to entertain you all with tales of wit and charm, but I sort of think both of those qualities have started to fizzle out.

I considered writing about my love life again, but currently there are a few too many secrets there. So what’s left to write about? Hmm… I guess it’s either telling you about the woes of home-ownership or the stress of living with a puppy. Eh. I’ll skip that for now; you’re welcome.

Instead why don’t you read about my NYE at the local VFW post. Those veterans sure know how to party. I use the term party loosely, because OMG it’s hard to get too crazy when there’s polka playing in the background.

In the past I hated spending time with my family during the holidays. I love them, sure, but holidays were made for drinking wine with dinner. Not that silly Mormon cranberry juice and Sprite mix.

That all changed when my brothers had kids. Suddenly sobriety wasn’t the worst thing in the world; not seeing my nieces and nephews for the holidays was. Had I known kids make family time not only tolerable, but also enjoyable I would have got knocked up in high school. I can picture myself with a “Gilmore Girls”-esque lifestyle. I would be an amazing teen mother.

Well maybe not… after all, I did spend the majority of Christmas Eve threatening to feed the kids to Santa’s reindeer.

Carter: “Aunt Sarah, can they kill us?”

Me: “Not kill you, but they will definitely maim you. What are guys going to do if one gets you?”

Kailee: “Pray.”

Hannah: “Scream.”

Carter: “Punch it in the wiener.”

Unto us a future pervert is born.

This year I spent Thanksgiving in the country ignoring my vegan diet and eating my weight in cream cheese mashed potatoes. I did set down my fork down long enough to compile a list of items I’m thankful for. You can read the list in this week’s “That’s What She Said.”

This week’s “That’s What She Said” skips right over Thanksgiving and goes straight to my Christmas wish-list.

It’s not that I hate Thanksgiving, um, hello mashed potato addict right here, but when my lovely lady editor, Amy, asked for my annual holiday list I was more than happy to think presents. What? I’m less about the baby Jesus part of the holiday season and more into commercialism and materialism. Oh, and holiday treats. Fudge and candy cane vodka… that does exist, right?

April Fool’s Day is the weirdest day. A day where we are encouraged to lie to one another? Um, no thanks. I already have that in my life.

It’s called dating.

Isn’t that enough of a joke? Apparently not enough for everyone, so the tradition continues. As does my confusion.

Every year I wait for a press conference where someone of authority stands up and announces–with jazz hands–what items of interest were an April Fool’s Day joke all along.

Ahem, Sarah Palin

Harem pants

Decaf coffee

Heidi Montag’s career

Low-fat ice cream

The pursuit of happiness

“American Idol”

MSN Bing

Mazda Miatas

These have to be jokes. I mean who really thinks happiness and Heidi Montag’s career are real. No one is that gullible, right?