He will likely pretend he didn’t say that, but he invited me to go hiking yesterday. Um, hello, that’s exactly the same thing as telling a girl she needs to exercise more. Why else would he invite me? I’m not exactly an outdoorsy chick and I’m super whiny when the conditions aren’t to my liking. This is code for sober.

Jeremiah coaxed me up Neff’s Canyon with a bottle of wine. He knows me well. The two things that motivate me most are wine and fear. He managed to use both in one day. I should explain the fear thing…

I’m not scared of him, not at all. He’s a hippie and everyone knows they wouldn’t hurt anyone or anything. And if he did I’d threaten to rip his favorite tie-dyed shirt. The fear stemmed from the storm that threatened our perfect hiking conditions. Getting hit by lightning is not my death of choice. Speaking of which, I’d rather drown in a wine vat. Also, I’m not an alcoholic. Yet.

We didn’t die, but at the point of destination I checked my iPhone and got this:

I was pretty sure, by this point, that Jeremiah had invited me because he intended to kill me. I can’t blame him. I do question his manhood a lot, and tease him about his love of Hugh Grant and jorts.

I prepared the best way I could: I drank. I’ve seen enough movies to know you always get a last meal before you die.

Wine is and will always be my meal of choice.

P.S. I wasn’t murdered.

P.P.S. I’m not as much of a wino as this post implies, but only because I forgot to wear my wine rack hiking–also known as the best invention in the universe! It’s like a Camelbak, but obviously so much better.

P.P.P.S. The rest of the photos can be seen here.

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

Neff’s Canyon Sounds a Lot Like Death Canyon is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

Dick.

I suspect the “willing to negotiate” is code for a Hugh Grant movie marathon with a wine infused Sarah. I can live with that.

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

My First Ransom Note is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

This week’s “That’s What She Said” is about the Ben Folds concert at Deer Valley.

All drunken shenanigans can be viewed here… until my mom calls and begs me to take them down.

A big thanks to the Utah Jesus for saving us seats!

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

That’s What She Said… About Ben Folds is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!

“Umm… that’s not OK! How about I just kill you at the gym?”

“I don’t think you understand the severity of my situation. I just did the math and had I gotten knocked up in high school I could have an 18-year-old right now.”

“Wow.”

“I’m the oldest, single, childless woman I know. I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE, so I think I’ll just go ahead and get it over with now. I’m going to leave you my womb. Please clear out the cobwebs and put the little fucker to good use.”

“Sarah, it’s time to shut the hell up. You’re not going to die alone.”

“Yes I am! I just heard it on NPR.”

“Well I guess if NPR said it, it must be true.”

“I KNOW, Liberal media never lies.”

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©Sarah Nielson—Tales of Wit and Charm All Rights Reserved...Or Else

I’m so busy obsessing over my upcoming suicide, I barely have time to obsess over the fact no one makes wine Popsicles. is a post from: Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm. Click here to read comments!