Tales of Wit and Charm…

Last night The Yuppie invited me over and prepared a Sunday dinner that put Arlo to shame. Pasta with a vodka red sauce, salad with lime ginger dressing, and a chocolate cake baked with wine. Brilliant move on his part combining my two favorite items: chocolate and wine. Though, he didn’t need to add liquor to the food to get me drunk–I would have done that on my own willingly.

When I mentioned the cake to Arlo he didn’t understand what the big deal was. “Sarah, when have we ever baked chocolate without wine?” “WINE IN THE CAKE, not with the cake!” “Oh, I didn’t think it mattered, it all ends up in the same place anyway.”

It’s so cute when The Yuppie doesn’t think he’s a yuppie at all, but each time I spend time at his house I find another reason why his moniker is just so fitting. Last night I found he prepared dinner with recipes collected from The New York Times. If that’s not yuppie-esque, I don’t know what is.

Since it’s the sabbath I decided to drink my caffeine cold to honor my Mormon upbringing. That’s mostly a lie, I was just too lazy to make coffee.I grabbed a can of Diet Dr Pepper out of the fridge, a handful of Girl Scout Cookies and settled on the couch to catch up on some TV. I opened the can, lifted it to my lips and took a sip. I instantly spat out the liquid. It wasn’t the sweet tasting soda I was expecting, it was a can of beer. I can’t justify a beer this early in the day, but I certainly don’t want to waste it. I guess if it tastes OK with cookies…Calm down mom, I don’t need the beer and cookie calories together. I’ll make Ben drink it.

I am officially a satisfied woman as you can see by the very empty container of Girl Scout Cookies.  Don’t worry, Arlo helped.  Perverts.  He helped eat the cookies, not helped satisfy me.

I am a woman obsessed. I’ve been stalking small children on the street, girl children to be specific. I need Girl Scout cookies! I no longer work for a company where parents peddle cookies for their children. I’m thinking about quiting my current job and searching for one with sugar benefits.

The Yuppie works for a company with sugar benefits. He scored me two boxes of my very favorite cookies: Samoas. (I think I ate my weight in Thin Mints a few years ago so I had to find a new favorite.) This was very sweet of him… mmm… sweet like cookies, but I probably won’t see him until Friday. My sweet tooth will not wait patiently until Friday. So, I decided to stalk every grocery store in a 10 mile radius of my house. Finally, today, I found a grocery store with small girl children and cookie boxes. Yay! While I stood in line waiting for my turn, I calculated how many boxes I could justify without having to make an extra trip to the gym.

Then something tragic happened… they were out of Samoas! I panicked and asked for anything chocolate. Nadda. All they had left was some sort of shortbread bullshit. Trying to avoid a string of expletives in front of the children I bit my lip. It bled. And let me tell you, blood tastes nothing like the perfection of vanilla cookies coated in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut and laced with chocolate strips. Nothing!

Valentine’s Day dinner looked beautiful on the plate, however, later that night it didn’t look so pretty coming back up. It’s interesting that no one else got sick from the meal. And by “interesting” I mean ARLO IS TRYING TO KILL ME!

He’s got plenty of justifiable reasons to want me dead. In fact, the whole thing is rather ironic. Just yesterday, some friends and I were talking about how much grief I give Arlo. We agreed that if he did indeed kill me, no jury in the world would convict him. I’d like to think the reason he attempted to poison me wasn’t necessarily due to the fact I force him to watch bad reality TV with me, or the fact I tease him mercilessly, but because I burned the one portion of the dinner I was in charge of:

When Arlo tried to kill himself to avoid making a traditional Canadian meal, Mrs. AK took matters into her own hands. Her British hands.

Last night she prepared bangers and mash for us. I was more than surprised when I actually liked it. Arlo, on the other hand, scoff at his serving. I have no idea why…