Tales of Wit and Charm…

Last weekend I received an email that shook me to the core. No, not freebie bacon enhanced vitamin water offers, BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE? I would bath in that stuff! It’s funny that for someone who dislikes meat so much (insert your own dirty joke) to love bacon. I pretend it’s made from soybeans–tasty pig-flavored soybeans.

But I digress.

The email was from Flyboy, or Captain America as Rlo nicknamed him. Remember the summer I spend dating him? Me too. Sigh…

I’ve questioned my decisions to break-up with him for two years now. And with just one email I got the closure I needed. Flyboy was deployed to Iraq. Suddenly the future I played out so many times in my head with him was shot down. Just like that.

Death frightens me. It’s just so… you know, final. I know myself well enough to know I’d be a mess the entire time if we had stayed together. A mess that even a good Shiraz and Xanax couldn’t fix. All this time I’ve hated myself for ending things, and now I’m selfishly happy that I did. I’m not strong enough to deal with the fear of someone I love dying, day in, and day out.

I wish him well, and if I knew his girlfriend’s address I’d send her a case of red wine and a bottle of Xanax. She’s going to need it.

After a late night out Pants and I went to Ruth’s this morning for brunch. I promised her it had the city’s best Bloody Mary, so to count on a wait.

What I hadn’t been counting on was seeing Captain America.

Last summer when I took him there for the first time he instantly loved it. I should have known he’d go back. I saw him about a month ago and it was awkward and hurt for days, but this was worse. Today he had his girlfriend with him. His very pretty girlfriend who makes him disgustingly happy. Sigh…

I ate my omelet, drank my Bloody Mary and tried to remain unaffected. Which, of course, didn’t work–it never does.

We didn’t acknowledge seeing one another, which almost hurt worse than being forced to smile and play nice while meeting his girlfriend.

I desperately need a city with less ex-boyfriends.

To read this week’s column click here!

Also, my first promo ad is running. I’m thrilled! Click here to listen.

The Travesty of Transformers—What really happened to Captain America

I held out as long as I could but it was inevitable—I saw Transformers last weekend. I had certain reservations about seeing the movie. I hated the cartoon as a child.

I have four younger brothers, so when it came time to pick what we watched on television I was always outvoted. Stupid Democracy. Rather than watching Barbie and the Rockers, I was stuck watching Transformers. Bitterness breeds hate.

I finally gave into a friend who’d been asking me all week to go see the movie. He bribed me with candy and air conditioning. It worked and I found myself stuck in the longest movie since Magnolia. Don’t get me started.

Had my friend mentioned there were jets in the movie I wouldn’t have taken so long to give in. I’m a sucker for jets; F16’s to be exact. I’ve always loved them, and after dating a flyboy I’ll always be fond of all things Air Force. Captain America is a jet pilot and every time I see a jet my heart leaps, for more reasons than the excitement of the jet.

I have regrets.

Breaking up with Captain America is one of those regrets.

I was faced with the decision between an ex-boyfriend who was suddenly ready to commit and a very short, very new relationship with Captain America. In a classic dumb girl move I picked the ex (who’d previously broken my heart) over the new guy who showed amazing potential.

Months later when things didn’t work out with the ex-boyfriend I realized I still had feelings for Captain America. I called him and we got together for drinks. In a brave move I told him I still cared about him and wanted to date again. Like every cliché movie, silence filled the room. Those few seconds until he spoke felt like an eternity. Once he did speak, I wanted the take it all back. He‘d just started seeing someone and he wanted to see where it was going.

Although I was crushed, I was still able to see the irony of it all. Really, why would he break off things with his new girlfriend for one who’d left him before? Obviously he was smarter than me, and was able to learn from past mistakes and not follow the same path of poor decision-making I had. As much as I wish things were different, I couldn’t fault him for that.

Now as he’s getting ready to move out-of-state I can’t help but question, why am I not the girlfriend going with him? Not that I would, but still.

Every woman needs the story of the amazing man that got away to share with girlfriends over a bottle of wine. Captain America provided me with just that.

summer’s here. i know this not because it finally stopped raining, but because flyboy and i made our beginning of summer trek to the drum circle today. it wasn’t as entertaining as last years first trek, but there’s an entire summer worth of sundays left. iguana guy was there with the iguana wrapped in a baby blanket. the only other item of interest was the guy serenading a tree. seriously.

this week’s column was posted a day early, and can be read here. you knew i’d have something to say about a dead superhero, didn’t you…

I’ve been receiving quite a few emails lately asking for relationship advice. Those emails make me giggle because I’m in no way qualified to be offering advice. I’m 31 and still single. Obviously, I haven’t taken a magic relationship pill, nor can I help you find this magic pill. If you find a reputable dealer who sells them, by all means pick me up one or three—you’ll be rewarded handsomely.
While I am no substitute for the magic relationship pill, I can share my personal experiences on the topic.

The most recent advice seeking email was from a man asking if it were possible for people to remain close friends after a breakup. In my most recent attempt at trying to maintain a post relationship friendship, it didn’t work out as planned. Sure, if it was casual dating I expect a friendship to remain. But if there’s love and a possible future in the equation, forget it. I cannot go from trying on engagement rings at Tiffany’s to maintaining a casual friendship. I’m a passionate person and it doesn’t work that way for me.

I blame Jerry Seinfeld for creating a generation of people who think remaining close friends is a possibility. Remember, Jerry and Elaine are FICTIONAL! In my very non-TV life, this has never happened.

This email couldn’t have come at a better time. Recently a two-year friendship very dear to my heart ended. This is the nice way of saying the love of my life broke my heart (which is another story for another day). The point is we tried to remain friends after we broke up, but it’s impossible. There are too many hurt feelings and painful memories attached that prevented it from working. We tried, and failed miserably.

After spending a few days too sad to socialize, I decided the sulking had to end. It was getting me nowhere, and frankly not a healthy way to handle heartache. Sitting home alone eating massive amounts of junk food never solves anything, and it makes your jeans fit your ass a little more snugly than they should.

The next day with a renewed sense of self, I did what every self-help book ever written advises you not to do. I started through my Rolodex of ex-boyfriends.

With news coverage of last week’s death of comic book superhero Captain America, I thought I better check in with my very own Captain America. You never know, life often follows fiction and it’s always better to be safe than sorry. I learned he was not only safe and well, but also happy. This should not be a bad thing, right?

It’s not that I expected him to live a life of solitude after our breakup. I just imagined it would take some time for him to move on. Time spent creating a shrine to me. Or at least locked in a candle lit basement with The Cure’s Greatest Hits album on repeat. Really, I just wanted to know there were a few tears shed.

You might imagine my surprise to hear he has a new girlfriend. One who makes him blissfully happy. Hearing that an ex is happy isn’t exactly the easiest thing to hear. It’s not that I want him miserable, but hearing such joy in his voice isn’t exactly comforting. My smarter and more compassionate self, sucked it up and told him I was thrilled things were going so well for him. I felt like I was punched in the stomach by said superhero and tried my best not to throw up blood. Obviously, I’m bitter. In my rulebook, this is allowed.
I hung up after a promise to “get coffee” and “catch up soon”. This, of course, will never happen. I wish it were possible to remain friends with my last two boyfriends. It’s not easy losing a boyfriend and a best friend. In fact, it’s downright shitty.

ak and i dragged flyboy along to see the movie flyboys with us this weekend. it was supposed to be a group date so i could write about it, but everyone flaked. whatever.

we grabbed a quick bite of dinner beforehand. i still had some of my drink left so i brought it along, i needed the caffeine for a two and a half hour movie. before going inside the movie we stopped for a quick potty break. not wanting to take my drink inside, i left it with flyboy. i specifically asked him to hold it for me so i didn’t have to take it inside the restroom. i came out to find no flyboy. i looked around just in time to see him coming out of the men’s room carrying MY DRINK!! i was horrified, absolutely horrified! bathroom germs totally freak me out! i went to throw the drink out when flyboy stopped me. he kept it for himself but quickly bought me a new one to keep the level of nutty girl low.

when we got inside the movie with a new drink ak started laughing. apparently when he came out of the restroom there was a couple fighting out the drink incident. he couldn’t understand what the big deal was–she, of course, could. what are the chances of two equally neurotic people being in the same theater?!