Tales of Wit and Charm…

It is with medium sadness that I inform you of my once again single status.  Non-Troll Doll has gone back to the kingdom of trolls. Sure I’m sad, but at long last I can don my retro polka-dot heels again.  Oh, how I’ve missed those babies.

NTD is a fantastic guy, but we had one huge problem: he wanted the freedom to date me as well as other women.  Um, hell no!  I’ve been there and done that.  Here’s the thing… I am in my thirties, not my twenties, which, for me, means I’m not as willing to play the dating game anymore.  There’s just no way I’m going to put myself into a situation that will undoubtedly cause me a great amount of anxiety and stress.

Towards the end of our very short, two-month relationship, I found myself more interested in hanging out with my BFF RLO than Non-Troll Doll.  Internet read closely: this in no way means I’m going to be dating RLO. I read your comments and emails; I know your thoughts on the subject.  He’s hot I get it, but RLO is dating Jesus.  And while I can’t compete with Jesus, I bet I could drink him under the table.  Twice.

I think I may have inadvertently confused people last week by my relationships are a motherfucker post.

When I wrote the most significant relationship of my life, I was not referring to Non-Troll Doll. He and I have been dating almost two months. That is not enough time to make a significant relationship. Hell, we can barely tolerate one another yet.

I’m difficult to date. That’s no surprise, but he’s no piece of cake either. Though if he were a piece of cake he’s be chocolate, which is my favorite. Oh and he’d probably have raspberries on the side. Oh my god, NTD is the tastiest piece of cake ever.

I digress, but cake people, CAKE!

NTD is an amazing guy, he really is. He makes me smile, even when I’m pissed.  Plus he tolerates me, and he’s dreamy. Don’t believe me? Ask Bishop Deal. There’s one small thing though: he’s impossible. Seriously, impossible. He claims he’s a relationship person, but frankly I haven’t seen anything that would back up his claim. He doesn’t include me in his life.  It’s sort of weird, and a total red flag. For example, he never invites me to parties he attends, and for some reason that really bothers me. Not that I would go, but still an invite is always nice.

He says he really likes me, but frankly it doesn’t feel that way.  Which certainly doesn’t make me want to invest any real emotion. I think I’m officially in a dating rut. But truthfully there’s no one I’d rather be in a rut with right now than him, which makes it even worse.

Non-troll doll and I were eating a late dinner at Red Rock last night, when he asked the waiter, “Can you bring me a side of that garlic sauce?  I can’t remember what it’s called.”

“Aioli sauce?”

“Yes, that.  Thank you.”

The waiter leaves and Non-Troll, looking very concerned, said to me, “I’ll never be able to remember the name of that damn stuff.”

“It can’t be that difficult… just remember areola nipples.  I’m pretty sure you can remember that word.”

“So when I order nipple sauce you think they’ll know what I mean?”

“Definitely, but can you wait until after we break-up?”

“Of course darling.”

Sitting in the dark movie theater waiting for the movie to start Non-Troll’s phone rang.  It was on silent mode since we were in a theater, but it lit up and I could see someone was calling him.  ANNOYING!

“I hate your phone.”

“Really, why?”

“It’s always ringing.  But don’t feel special because I hate everyone’s phone.”

“I hope I’m never special.”

“Oh honey, you never will be.”

“Ahhh…”

At that point he leaned over and kissed me hard in the middle of the theater.  Any man who can find my abrupt Sarah-speak cute, is a man I plan on keeping around–at least throughout the remainder of the summer.

I had a date Saturday night.  Rather than be creative or at all interesting, we opted for a movie at my place.  I’m quickly realizing the only good taste non-troll doll has is in women, because this is the second worst movie I’ve seen in the past month.  The other god awful movie was also his pick.

I’m not kidding, this movie was so boring I pulled out my iPhone and read the newspaper while he continued to watch.  I continued to refill my wine glass, and even that didn’t make the movie better.  I whined enough that he finally turned the movie off, gave me a kiss and went home.

The next morning I stumbled into the kitchen for coffee and vitamins–the breakfast of champions, yo!  While I waited for the coffee to brew I grabbed a handful of vitamins and reached for an orange vitamin drink that had been left on my counter. I tossed the pills into my mouth and took a giant swig of the orange drink.

Something didn’t taste right.  In fact it was downright disgusting. I spit the drink and pill concoction into the sink.  Still gagging over the taste, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and picked up the drink for a closer inspection.  I’d somehow forgotten he’d mixed a few shots of vodka into the drink.  Warm vodka is one of the least pleasant things to experience on a Sunday morning.  Well that, and church.

RLO met the new guy I’m dating last night.  The guy that I’ve promised not to liken to a troll doll on the Internet anymore.  Oops, I did it again.   OK, starting NOW I’m not going to liken him to a troll doll on this website.  That one doesn’t count.  Right?

Anyway.  The point.  I have one.

RLO and the non-troll doll guy met for the first time last night.  Today RLO mentioned that the new guy was cool.  RLO’s opinion means so much to me that I mentioned it to the new guy.

Him: “So RLO liked me, eh?”

Me: “He did.”

Him: “Is that just because he thinks that I’m easily manipulated and that I’ll be sharing his workload.  The workload being you of course.”

Me:  “I’m not work.  I’m a hobby.”

Him: “I like that.  You’re going to be my new favorite hobby.”

This is where the conversation should have ended, but nooooo.  He felt that it was important to share with me an imaginary conversation.

“So what do you do with your spare time?”
“Oh, I listen to music nobody’s ever heard of, work on my motorcycle, and a dabble a bit in Sarah?”
“Sarah? I could never figure that one out–too complicated.  Had to drop that hobby the moment I picked it up.”
“Yeah, I hear you. But it’s supposed to have its payoffs–I just haven’t figured them out yet…”

I laughed and decided to keep him. For now.  But the minute this turns sour I’m totally blaming RLO.