Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

Holy shit. I just referred to someone as my boyfriend. Related: will someone please remind me to find a therapist next week to discuss my commitment issues. Thanks.

Moving on…

There is nothing more exciting than experiencing a first with a new boyfriend. You know what I’m talking about… THE FIRST TIME YOU PUBLICLY CALL HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, the first kiss, the first sleepover, the first ahem (edited for my mother), the first grocery shopping trip, etc.

Actually our first grocery adventure was less exciting and more insightful. I’m dating a man who still drinks Capri-Sun and thinks Otter Pops are a food group. They aren’t. Oh and they never were.

Today we will embark on another first: our first road trip together. We are driving six hours to someplace called Bluff, Utah. Um, yeah. That’s 12 hours in the car together. We’ve only been dating a few months, so the chances of us breaking up are 80-90%. Don’t worry; I let him know to find a back up ride home since I’m driving. Sometimes I’m amazed at how thoughtful I can be.

“Sarah, do you have a computer mouse I can use?”

He looked at me in disbelief as I handed him the only spare mouse. “Um, really? A Hello Kitty mouse?”

“Yes. Cool, right? The AKs brought it back from Japan for me.”

He ignored me, plugged the mouse into his computer and went back to work.

Later that night I changed into something more comfortable than my work clothes. When I walked out of my bedroom wearing the most ridiculous pair of 1970s gym pants he looked at me and with zero sarcasm said, “Sarah, you’re so incredibly beautiful.”

“Thanks, but you have to say that. It’s your job. If you’re going to date me your job is to think I’m pretty, like pugs, Anderson Cooper and pink glitter.”

“No on the pink glitter.”

“Fine. What about Hello Kitty instead?”

“If all Hello Kitty products are as well designed as the computer mouse I think I can do that. The Japanese really took the form of the human hand into consideration with that design. Once you get used to the little bows as buttons, the mouse is very user friendly. Hello Kitty’s face really fits into your hand well. On the scale of one to ten I’d give it a 9.5. It’s purrrr-fect.”

I wish I could tell you he was saying this in jest, but with the exception of the ridiculous pun he was quite serious. Give me a month and this boy will be just as obsessed with Hello Kitty as I am…. or he’ll break up with me and torch every store in Utah that carries HK products.

This week’s “That’s What She Said” talks about my newest dating adventure: a relationship. Something most people handle with ease, but I’m not most people…

This week’s “That’s What She Said” is a result of too much time (and wine) on a Sunday afternoon.