Tales of Wit and Charm…

Dear Chady-Bear,

It’s just starting to hit me that you’re really gone. Don’t tell Mom, but going home is boring when you’re not around. I miss annoying you to the point you’re going to scream. This is not because I don’t love you, because I do. It’s just my job as a sister. I think you can find it in the bible somewhere: Thou Shalt Drive Your Brothers Insane. Some commandments I follow, some I don’t—I pick which ones to follow by matching them to my shoes.

I think I’m not the only one affected by your absence. Mom and Dad are going on a cruise for Thanksgiving. I love that they are taking more vacations, but the selfish Sarah is going to miss out on having a family dinner. I guess they figured with you gone, Jeff and Matt married there’s only Ben and I to worry about and we can easily be pawned off on extended family or friends.

Are you still sure about this mission thing? Maybe, just maybe you can change your mind and come home for Christmas. Are you allowed to do that? Wouldn’t that be great if you could get in trouble and get sent home for the holidays and then go back? I guess it doesn’t work that way for a reason.

I’m really glad you’re the baby and I won’t have anyone else I love leaving. If Matt and Holli move I’m going with them. I refuse to be more than an hour away from the kids. Yeah, they really are that fantastic. Hannah did the cutest thing the other day. She was helping Holli clean out her grandma’s house (they had to put her in a home) when she found the oldest pair of kid gloves and just had to put them in her purse to give to her new sister Sarah. Needless to say, I need to go visit soon and remind her I’m her auntie not her sister. Ben isn’t allowed to move either, because he still has to hang my shelves up (five months and counting). Since Jeff married whatsherface I don’t ever see him, so he’s allowed to move.

So how are things going there? Thanks for the tea—it was really good. (Still waiting on that Hello Kitty paraphernalia!!) I asked Cathy and her Japanese slaves what the Japanese word your companion called me meant. They think you made it up. Does this mean you are speaking in tongue?

Ben and I were in the car the other day and The Cure’s song Friday I’m in Love came on. Do you remember that being your favorite song when you were in kindergarten? You used to make me play it over and over. Every Friday morning when I was getting ready for school you’d run in my bedroom and tell me it was the day you loved me. It was pretty damn cute. I hope by now you love me every single day, because I do you.

I love you and miss you bear.

Love,
Sissy

Dear Chady-Bear,

Thanks for the photocopied letter (insert loads and loads of sarcasm). What is going on over there? You don’t have enough time to write your family individual letters? How do I even know this letter is from you and not some automated computer system? Huh?? For all I know you could’ve been sold into slavery. Hey, it happens! I saw it on Absolutely Fabulous years ago. Except there were no missionaries, but still…

And what’s this nonsense about porn? I nearly peed when I read that part of your letter. I’ve never heard you mention porn and then you leave on a mission and suddenly bowchicabowow, you’re porn talking? Awesome, bear, awesome! And the same guy wanted to show you his member, before becoming a member? Please refrain from EVER eating at that restaurant again. Do you understand me? It’s not that I wouldn’t love to have a gay brother, but I always figured it would be Ben, not you.

I digress.

Thanks for the pictures! I loved seeing your bright, shiny face. No wonder Jesus wants you for a Sunbeam! Send more, okay? And the cute puffy sticky letters, umm, brilliant. Of course now I’m going to think you should always include a little surprise. Do it!

Things here are good. School started, and with 23 credit hours I’m more than busy. I feel like I’m going to drown in books, but there could be worse things in life. And no, this isn’t a race. How sad…the oldest child and youngest child racing through college. It wouldn’t be so odd if there weren’t 14 years between us. If you hadn’t gone on vacation for two years you’d have won. Thanks for the head start. I love you for that.

Labor Day wasn’t the same without you. I drove down with Uncle Cabbage Patch and his new family. The kiddo and aunt are great, I’m glad they live close enough that I’ll get a chance to know them better. I didn’t stay for the rodeo, which is good. Would have been boring without you to tease. The twins are getting so big. I can’t believe you’re missing out on two years. They still call Ben Uncle Mean, which is fantastic! They make family time tolerable. If I’d known this I would have got knocked up years ago.

I love you more than chocolate. How many minutes until you’re home? Too many. Christmas is going to suck without you. Speaking of which, how’s that search for Hello Kitty wine going? My Hello Kitty wine glasses are washed and waiting.

Miss you bear!

Love,
Sissy

Dear Chady-Bear,

It’s nice to hear you’re not dead. I haven’t heard that directly from you of course, but from our dear mother. WHAT THE HELL?! You can take the time to send her a letter, but not me? I’ve given you a five day grace period from when mom received her letter, and still… nothing. Bad Chad! Are you playing favorites because you came out of her? Because if so, might I remind you, who did you spend more time with until the age of five? Yeah, me. Maybe you blocked those years from your memory, and for the sake of your inner holy ghost, perhaps that’s best.

Do you remember when you thought you invented the “F” word? (For the safety of your eternal salvation I’ll not type the actual word. Now that’s love!) I was driving you to daycare on my way to school, which I did EVERY SINGLE DAY! You couldn’t get your seatbelt to buckle correctly and you yelled f*** at the top of your cute little lungs. I asked you were in the world you’d heard such a bad word. “Sissy, I made it up. It’s my word, not bad.” I’d never been so proud, so I let you have that one. That was the year you made a bed inside my closet because I wouldn’t let you sleep with me and you wanted to be close. You were four.

Listen up Bear… if you don’t send me a letter soon, I’m going to be forced to tell your mission president your affinity for profanity.

Love, love, love you!

Sis

Dear Chady,

Thanks for proving I am way cooler then Ben. I’ve always known it, and suspected you did too. I can’t wait to tell him you called me from the airport and not him. And promised I’ll make him send you a letter soon. If not a letter he can at least draw you a picture or something? I finally gave him your letter Friday night at our favorite bar. It’s the only time I was going to see him, so figured it’s better to give it to him there then not at all. I took a picture of it on the table next to our liquid refreshment. It’s irreverent I know, but makes me smile nonetheless.

You’re a total punk ass, you know. Telling me to come get you from the airport is not a joke. For just a moment I thought I was going to be smuggling a missionary out of the airport into the real world.

It’s crazy to think as I type this you’re well on your way to Japan. I can’t believe I am not going to see you for two years. How sad, but there is something you can do that will bring me much comfort: FIND HELLO KITTY WINE! I’ve seen pictures of it and need it. I’m not suggesting you break Mormon code and drink it, I’m just suggesting you send it for my birthday. You have until November; so don’t make it a priority.

I can’t believe you got cheated out of seeing The Simpsons movie before you left. I know how much you’d been looking forward to seeing it. If it makes you feel any better I saw and loved it. Also sorry to hear all your music got deleted off your iPod. Maybe God did it? You’re not supposed to have non-church music, right? Anyway, as usual I’m more than happy to help you break the rules. Let me know what you want sent.

Love you Bear! I’ll be waiting for a letter from Japan.

Love, Sis

Chady-bear leaves the MTC next week and heads to Japan. I got my last Provo, Utah postmarked letter today. I laughed so hard at this part, I just had to post it:

“I didn’t learn Japanese in three months. I can speak VERY limited and understand all but nothing. But why do I need that when I got a face like mine? I’ll attract all the Japanese girls and my companion will talk to them and teach them. Sound like a good idea?”

(Ben, Matt, Chady, Sarah)

After looking at the picture he sent me of just us kids on the day he entered the MTC, I think he should be okay. He’s lucky he doesn’t look like Matt, then there might be problems.

Dear Chady-Bear,

STOP SENDING BEN LETTERS TO MY HOUSE! (Please read that as many times as necessary.) Seriously, I’m not a postal carrier—I don’t have the legs for it, though I doubt all postal carriers are as hot as the girl that delivers my mail. I bet most people have men or women who look like they moonlight at the Maverick. Remember that creepy lady that worked at the Mav by my house and I refused to go in when she was working because I was convinced her face moles were separate people? Sorry, I digress… I just don’t want to be bothered with having to deliver Ben his mail. You have his address. I’ve given it to you, Mom’s given it to you and from what I understand so has Ben. STOP.

How are you?

I’m out of wine. The case of two-buck chuck you gave me before leaving is long gone. Maybe I’m drinking to cope with the loss of my baby brother?

I’m accidentally addicted to the Justin Timberlake Bringing Sexy Back song. I have no idea what happened, but I am 100% obsessed. Also obsessed with” Big Love.” The first time I watched it I hated it and didn’t get past the opening credits. I gave it a second chance and it’s like crack—totally addicting. I know Ben watches it, but did you pre-mission? It could be the common religious link all the siblings share! I bet Matt & Holli would watch it. Jeff and what’s her face probably do, since they live pretty much in Herriman (which is probably home to many polygamists).

Summer semester end this week, which will be nice. I’ll have time to optimize my procrastination skills. I promised myself I’d organize and clean that little office nook I have upstairs. I was going to ask if you missed being in classes, but remembered Mom said you were in class non-stop in the MTC.

Things are going pretty well despite my silly rants. I miss seeing my geeks everyday but I don’t miss that sick feeling in my stomach I got each day walking into the office. Freedom is aweome and totally worth pinching pennies over. That iPhone can wait, and the trip to Italy with Silvia will be there next year. She’s moving back. I can’t wait to have my Italian mother back. Daisy still scratches on her door thinking she and Rog still live there.

Carmen is moving to San Diego at the end of the month. It hit me pretty hard. He’s been a constant in my life for ten years. It’ll be weird not being able to just drive over to his house. I can’t think about it too long without getting emotional.

I’ll let you get back to whatever you do there, but consider yourself updated on my life as requested.

Love you Bear!

Love,
Sissy