Tales of Wit and Charm…

Dear Chady-bear,

You haven’t written me a letter in ages. You’re fired!. And so is your church. What’s the story? No letter certainly feels like no love. Did your mission president ban me?

So things here are absolutely insane. I’ve decided missions are bad luck for our family. When Ben went Jeff lost his mind, now that you are gone Jeff lost his mind again. I’m blaming the mission, not Jeff. It really should be the other way around, but Matt is going through some really hard stuff right now, too. This supports my theory that missions are bad luck. In fact, I think you should come home immediately. This is the only way to prevent anything else horrible from happening to our family. I’m not going to write about Matt’s stuff because I’m sure Mom has, and it makes me cry every time I think about it. Sometimes life is so unfair you wonder why you bother. This is one of those times.

On a happier note, it’s getting warmer here. Summer is just around the corner. I wish you were around so we could go on a camping trip. Ben is always too busy, and by busy I mean lazy. Another bit of good news: Carmen is moving home.

Uncle Bry is having a family dinner tonight, I’m excited because I get to see Jenny’s kids and because Bry will feed me. Ben and I used to go over there for Sunday dinner a couple times a month but not so much lately. I think we’ve been fired.

I’m not writing you anything about me (too bad for you, because I have lots to say) until you get your lazy ass in gear and send your sister a letter. Shame on you, Chady! Now you’ll never get to hear about my snowboarding experience. Yup, I finally went. You’re dying to know if I liked it or hated it, aren’t you? Too bad.

Love,
Sissy

PS. I was kidding about you coming home. Stay put. I need as much Hello Kitty paraphernalia as I can get.

They send my brothers on missions. Chady-bear turns 20 tomorrow and I can’t see him because he’s in a foreign country serving God or something. And to make matters worse it’s against the rules to phone him.

Dear Chadybear,

Thanks for your guilt-ridden letter. Is Mom there with you? I thought writing a lot of letters was a good thing. Little did I know you actually want them in a timely manner. For the record I’m not trying to save stamp money, I’m just lazy about going to the post office. I’ll be better. Maybe.

The new job is great. One of the guys (read: kid) I work with reminds me of you. Because of that I give him as much shit as often as possible. I’m pretty sure he hates it just like you always did, which only encourages me. He’ll get used to it eventually.

I read the part of your letter to Ben where you said you were sad you didn’t spend more time with us because and that we shouldn’t grow up before you get home. Ummm, we agreed and you have nothing to worry about. I’m glad you’re finally accepting our weird humor. Was it the Jesus Band-Aids that paved the way?

I’m sorry you got stuck on the same mission with that Plumb kid from home. He seems like an uptight little prick so it makes sense the holy toast kit we sent you offended him. Tell him to get over it. I know he sucks but try and get along with him. Oh my god, that was way too tender sister for me. How about this advice: just don’t punch him.

So your prophet died. It’s only been a day and I’m already tired of hearing people say it’s sad. It’s really, really not. He was 97. It’s taken over the news completely, as you might imagine. Totally annoying!

Oh and Chady… when you ask for contraband items you need to specify, otherwise you’re going to get porn and fireworks.

Love,
Sissy

Dear Chady-Bear,

Insert one of the following holiday greetings, depending on when this arrives: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter!!

If you don’t get this by Christmas I’m really sorry, I spaced it. I’m fully aware of the fact I’m a crummy sister, but I’m all you’ve got so at least there’s no competition factor. And as much as we both love Holli, we only got her a few years ago. I was there from the start, changing your disgusting diapers, speaking of which I’m still regretting the day Ben fed you his corn.

I can’t believe you aren’t going to be here for Christmas. I hate that. I get that you love God but seriously gone for Christmas? This sucks. I haven’t been home to see the tree; I’m really hoping Mom didn’t pull the crap she did when Ben was on his mission: decorating a Christmas tree outside rather than one nside. Now that was a weird Christmas! I’ve told you this before, but going home without you there isn’t the same… I miss you. How many more minutes until you’re home? I’m not as excited this year as I have been in past years, and I think you being so far away may have something to do with it. I like having my brothers, Holli, and the kids close.

Mom said you wanted beef jerky and hot chocolate–good to see you’re still a freak. Cathy said you can find beef jerky in the liquor stores there, but I guess that’s probably against the rules, so I put two bags in. Mom also mentioned you needed warm gloves, but I’m lousy with all things winter so I’ll leave that one to her. I’m still sporting the stretchy Hello Kitty gloves I’ve had for years. I figured you wanted real gloves, not kid ones. But your real present is a promise from me… I promise to be better about writing you. I know you’re homesick and letters help, I relish in the fact I’m still ahead of Ben in that area!

I love you my sweet, little, Jesus-loving Chady-Bear! Happy holidays!!

Love,
Sissy

PS. The Victoria Secret Catalog was NOT my idea. Ben added it in at the last second, however, I didn’t stop him. Also, we sorta just threw random holiday cards from family. My fridge is full, so…

Dear Chady-Bear,

I’m really slow at getting a letter off to you. I’m sorry, Bear! I’ve been really busy trying to beat my baby brother through college. It’s a weird competition, but a competition all the same. I. Must. Win. I can’t wait for this semester to be over—23 credit hours wasn’t exactly a good idea. I’m totally spent.

Thank you for your birthday letter! I know you love me… why else would you risk your mission by sending your sister wine? I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules. Maybe it’s better you weren’t able to find it—as much as I want you to come home, I’d feel really guilty if you were sent home because of my Hello Kitty obsession and need for wine.

I laughed so hard at the thought of you filling your suitcase full of beer. As funny as that would be, please don’t. Sapporo is not only sold here, but also sold in adult sizes. The picture of you holding the itsy bitsy can kept us all laughing!

Even though I’m busy, things are good. I don’t love that I saw Christmas stuff in stores before Halloween, but I do love that the holidays are getting closer! It’s going to be hard this year not having you around. I get bored visiting home if there’s not someone to bug. Ben and I bug each other on a constant basis so he’s out of the question. Matt’s always napping so he’s out. Maybe it’s time to groom Carter for the position. The point is, you’ll be missed. A lot. You’re the baby and I absolutely love you.

Speaking of loving you, you said something the day you left that is still haunting me. I can’t remember your exact words but something to the affect that I loved Ben more than I loved you. Whenever I think about those words I get a giant lump in my chest. Chady, I love all my brothers; I just have more in common with Ben. That doesn’t mean I love him more than you. You are the sweet little baby boy that used to sleep on my bedroom floor just to be close to me. You are the brother I took time out of my busy teenager schedule to drive you to daycare every day. You are the one who, at six, cried and cried when I left home asking if I was leaving because I didn’t love you anymore. Chady, I loved you then, and I love you now. Nothing is going to change that.

Now that we got that out of the way let’s talk Christmas. Mom is going to send you a package from all of us, but is there anything you want me to send? Contraband items of any kind? I’m more than happy to be your dealer. Let me know.

Have a good week Bear, and remember I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Sissy

Dear Sis,

I hope this letter makes it in time to tell you I couldn’t find Hello Kitty wine for your birthday. Sorry. I looked EVERYWHERE, and I don’t know if it actually exists. But I tried. However, I did find this sweet bike for you.I was going to get it and send it to you by boat, but I’d starve the rest of my mission. We don’t get a whole lot of money. Sorry. Maybe next time.

How old are you going to be this year? Was it 21 or 22? I can’t remember. By the way, I thought you’d like a picture of me with Sapporo beer. Ever tried it? Any good? I was about to buy it and sent you some but realized two things: I was transferring the next day and it might be bad to show up with beer in my luggage, and also you can probably buy it in Utah. Notice the symbol for beer in Japanese. It may be useful when you come pick me up! I love you and thank you for everything you do for me. Including the time when I was little and you tricked me into getting drunk. I really thought I was drunk even though it was apple cider. I’ve never have any alcohol since that day. I think I was four of six. You were a funny sister to have then and now.

Happy Birthday!!!

Love, Elder Bear