Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

I leave for BlogHer one month from today. I wasn’t stressed out until I wrote out my ‘to do’ list:

1) Lose ten pounds so no one has to see pictures of my ham arms all over the Internet and wonder why there weren’t Mormon funeral potatoes served with the ham.

2) Find someone to design a new blog header and business cards. This stresses me out beyond belief. Design work makes my brains explode, which would NOT make a cute design. Only zombie lovers like that shit.

3) Magically fix my dog’s rotten ass so I can find someone that will agree to watch her while I’m gone. No one will volunteer to keep a dog that can melt skin with her farts.

4) Figure out what clothing to pack. I don’t understand why pants are required in public. It would be a lot easier if I could wear my pajamas the entire weekend. Seriously, BlogHer planners, wouldn’t a giant girly sleepover party be more fun?

I’m only allowing myself to worry about four things. The rest will fall into place. And if it doesn’t? Well too bad. I’ve got school and work to stress about.

Here’s what I’ve done with my list so far:

1) Jillian Michaels is working my ass every single day but so far the only thing lost is my will to live.

2) I found someone who will design something I love, but she’ll also get it done quickly. Yay for Alma Loveland’s design work! Use her. Worship her. Do not send her chocolate. That you can send straight to my mouth. OK, so I think we figured out why I’m not losing weight.

3) I’ve only made Daisy’s ass worse by switching her food. If you live in the greater Salt Lake area and you smell something disgusting that is not the lake. That is Daisy. Sorry.

4) I had planned on wearing jeans and tee shirts the entire time, but I was lucky enough to find a clothing saint. Heather from Fawn Boutique has agreed to come pick through my closet and find just the right outfits to take. What she doesn’t know is all she’ll find is black shirts and jeans. I can’t wait to see what surprises she has in store. (Heather if you’re reading this please bring magic. You’re going to need it.)

Two out of four isn’t bad. I’m halfway through my list, people! I totally deserve a drink.

Dear Heart,

It’s Valentine’s Day. This should be the day of celebrating a loving relationship, yet we aren’t. I blame you.

No really, I do.

You’ve been so absent lately. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if you’re still working correctly. There’s no other explanation for your complete failure to love someone of the opposite sex properly. You’re so good at loving family, friends and even that stinky pug, so I know you are capable of love.

What’s your deal? Are you still upset with me for staying in that relationship even after you’d been broken? I’ve apologized so many times. I’ve even fed you ice cream, AND chocolates. There’s nothing more I can do. You need to let it go and forgive me.

Sure, I understand you’re probably a little scared of getting hurt again, but we are strong. If we work as a team we can kick the shit out of this love thing. We are tough bitches, my friend.

So what are you so afraid of?

Dude, stop being a pussy and live a little! If you break, you break. Broken hearts mend. And I have an entire box of Hello Kitty Band-Aids, just in case.

Now go out there and make momma proud. Or else.

Love,
Me