Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

Dear Google,

While everyone is freaking out over your new privacy settings that go into effect today, I’m sitting back mildly amused. I work in advertising so, for me, the more targeting information the better I am at my job. I say, bring it!

That said, I do still have an issue with you. Let’s talk about your Groupon style program, Google Offers, shall we? With your advanced targeting capabilities and data collection you should have the ability to stop sending me such crap offers. Here’s the info you have on me:

From this it’s safe to assume I wouldn’t be interested in, well, ANY of the offers you’ve sent me. Let’s go through them one by one.

A meat offer? Really? When I’m in my gmail account you serve me ads pertaining to vegan and vegetarian lifestyles, which are relevant. Meat offers notsomuch. I do appreciate that the meat is all natural, but it’s still animal flesh. Yuck.

A couples getaway AND a couples massage? Google, you know I’m single. Do you really need to rub it in my face? Jackass.

And my favorite… gun offers. Oh Google, you’re so silly. I don’t own firearms, want to own firearms or need to own firearms. So firearm training? Not really my thing.

If I could go ahead and personally order my Google Offers here’s what I would be interested in:

• A couples massage WITH Anderson Cooper
• A couples getaway WITH Bon Jovi
• Wine, chocolate and/or coffee savings to enjoy while naked in bed with Anderson Cooper and/or Bon Jovi
• Dog kennel savings – I’m certainly not interested in taking Asshole Puppy on my lovecation with Anderson Cooper or Bon Jovi. That whore dog will steal all my snuggle time.

I think that provides you with sufficient information to suck me into your savings ploy.

Love,
Sarah