Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

This week’s “That’s What She Said” skips right over Thanksgiving and goes straight to my Christmas wish-list.

It’s not that I hate Thanksgiving, um, hello mashed potato addict right here, but when my lovely lady editor, Amy, asked for my annual holiday list I was more than happy to think presents. What? I’m less about the baby Jesus part of the holiday season and more into commercialism and materialism. Oh, and holiday treats. Fudge and candy cane vodka… that does exist, right?

Me: What did you do with your hair when you cut it off?

Dirty Nerd: I gave it to my mom to fertilize her garden.

Me: I donated my hair to freaking cancer kids and you donated yours to a crop of vegetables?

Dirty Nerd: Yes and they were delicious.

Me: OH MY GOD, you ate your own hair!

Dirty Nerd: It’s not like it was a bunch of carrots with hair growing out of them.

Me: YES IT WAS.

Dirty Nerd: Sarah, your logic is broken. The hair decomposed and fertilized the plants. It’s not like hair actually grew on the vegetables.

Me: Of course the vegetables grew hair. You ate hairy veggies… no wonder I call you Dirty Nerd.

Dirty Nerd: You’re missing a little part here called THE FACTS.

The conversation ended there because I was so busy laughing over a nerd lecturing me about facts, you know because nerds are so fact oriented. Ahem, time travel, space cowboys and super heroes. Yeah…

The black side bars on iPhone video makes me want to stab my eyes out. Speaking of stabbing, half of the Saturday morning crowd wanted to do just that when my niece ordered wiener for breakfast.

I would like to point out this is not a learned behavior. I may be a bad influence when it comes to drinking and cursing, but sex is off the table. And floor. And bed.

I digress.

The point? She didn’t learn about wiener from me. I’m a vegan.

I have doubts about people, and occasionally their sincerity. I wish that weren’t the case, but a previous boyfriend made sure he left me with a little something special. I wanted a ring from Tiffany & Co, but instead I got baggage.

You live. You learn. And apparently you doubt.

Everyone has been burned, so why do I think I’m the only one with a relationship covered cross to bear? Self centered, perhaps. I try not to doubt the people I date, but sometimes it’s easier to assume the worst rather than communicate. I’m all about communication, so the hypocrisy here is likely the reason I’ll be damned to relationship hell, but at least I’ll be warm there.

I’ve operated under the illusion that when the right guy came along this wouldn’t be the case, but that’s a little optimistic… especially for me. So now what? I mean besides a boatload of therapy.

When you work with nerds all day like I do, time travel is 80% of daily conversation.

And space.

Nerds love to talk about how amazing it would be to live in space. Amazing? Puh-lease. I’ll tell you what’s amazing: the fact my brain hasn’t exploded all over the office.

Space talk I can usually tolerate, but when they start talking about time travel I tune them out. Last week I didn’t. They were discussing what they would change about their lives if they could travel through time. After I mocked them sufficiently, I thought about what I would do. Honestly I wouldn’t change much, but I would offer some advice to teen Sarah… which I did in this week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah This Week.