Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

Yesterday morning I spent 80% of my 45-minute commute contemplating whether I pity people who have jobs where they are forced to wear roller skates all day or envy them. After creating a pro/con list I sided with jealousy. The remaining 20% of my time was spent swearing at the idiot drivers who use the carpool late incorrectly.

My evening commute was also spent deep in thought. Not so much roller skates this time, but why the open container law is stupid. It should be legal for a passenger to drink as much wine as it takes to keep them calm enough they don’t want to murder bad everyone else on the road. Laws are intended to protect the general public. A sober passenger suffering from road rage is likely to unroll the windows and hurl items at passing cars, while a pleasantly buzzed passenger would sit back and enjoy the insanity that is I-15.

Sometimes government doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Also, sobriety.

Yesterday I received the third best compliment of my life.

“Sarah, if I was Noah and I had to pick just a few people for the new world, I’d include you.”

Nice right?

Well, of course, I decided to steal it and brand it as my own. I’m going to start telling people if I were Noah I’d never, ever pick them for my ark. In fact, I may even use it in my next breakup.

It’s not you; it’s me. I just can’t picture us on an ark together.

Perfect right?

Speaking of breakups. I recently had one of the most amicable breakups of my life. I’m starting to see a relationship pattern here. I date someone for three months. Month one is spent in complete adoration. Month two is spent picking them apart and month three is spent trying to figure out how to break things off.

Obviously I’m broken, but this was doomed from the start. He was a great guy, but not the great guy for me. We wanted different things in life.

PLUS, he didn’t know me at all, which was obvious when he sent me this text message:

Sarah, I just found something that belongs to you!

It didn’t.

I was so upset he thought I was the kind of girl who would own a cheap, heart print bra. That is not at all Sarah. If I had to have a design on my bra it would be pugs or wine bottles.

Duh.

Last night at the Willie Nelson concert I picked up a new guy and brought him home. Before we spent the night together we ate veggie burgers and drank whiskey.

My new guy drank a little too much, but I just picked him up off the pavement and carried him home.

This morning was a little rough, but nothing some coffee and Advil couldn’t cure.

We’re going to be incredibly happy together. I just know it.

Last month a co-worker gave the office nerds remote control cars to thank them for all their hard work. This was also the same day I started cursing more at the office.

I don’t know what’s more annoying: tripping over a car and falling on your face or trying to explain to clients the background noise they hear is a bunch of toy cars. Rather than putting a contract on their heads I decided I had to find a way to embrace their dumb toys. It took weeks, but I finally found a use for the toys:

Sporty Nerd was thrilled at the idea of delivering my drinks all day, but since the office doesn’t stock vodka tonics he didn’t have much to do after one delivery. Being a resourceful nerd he quickly found that driving notes to my desk was not only better than soda delivery, but also more efficient than email.