Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

I’m legitimately concerned about the well-being of my lady parts. “Sex and the City 2″ opened and I haven’t made plans to see it yet.

Or made plans to sneak booze into the theater, which is completely out of character for me. I love boozy movies with my girlfriends. It’s like therapy, but with more calories and antioxidants.

Obviously my vagina is broken.

I left a voicemail for my doctor (which, in hindsight probably sounded creepy and may get me arrested) and then turned to the internet.

WebMD was no help. There were 31 results for broken vagina, but none of them applied to my dilemma. Instead I learned about breech births and foreign objects placed in the vagina. I decided I’m never having kids, or sticking hot dogs up there. I’m a vegan, after all.

I moved to Google. Also not a lot of help. The predictive search for “symptoms of a broken vagina” was “symptoms of a broken valve spring.”

Is that what the kids are calling vag today? I’m way too upset to understand slang. The internet doesn’t care about the health of my vagina! This hardly seems fair since the damn internet is full of advice on male anatomy, and thus proves my theory that the internet is, indeed, a man.

Jerk.

Read this week’s column to hear about my beef with Google.

My niece, Hannah, sent me the sweetest picture in the mail, which is proudly displayed on my refrigerator.

There’s only one small thing I find worrisome. Do you see that question mark?

Hannah questions my niceness. I can’t really blame her. I tease the little girl about things like drinking urine. I don’t want her to grow up thinking I don’t love her. I do love her. Lots. Enough that I’d rather spend money on taking her to Starbucks, not taking her to therapy.

That said, I’ve decided it might be time to start teasing her less and concentrating on being nicer to her, which may have something to do with the fact the kid gives the best damn Christmas presents ever.

Read this week’s “That’s What She Said” to hear about my adventures in lawn care.

RELATED: I need a damn manservant. I cannot offer pay, medical or dental, but I will supply cheap wine.

“Sarah, Caleb and Andrew both think Little Mermaid is hot.”

“Of course they do. They are nerds. It’s in their DNA to have a thing for cartoon characters.”

“So this is normal?”

“Of course not. She’s a damn mermaid. They have the hots for a fish.”