Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

This week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah This Week.

Holy crap I’ve missed a lot of TV while I was busy finishing school. I’ll probably end up spending more time on my Hulu queue than I did on that last paper.

When I logged on and saw the number of videos I nearly shut down my computer, but in the end decided now that I’m all educated and shit I should do the smart thing and avoid procrastination.

I jumped right in and started watching “Vampire Diaries.” Um, why didn’t anyone tell me prime-time television turned into porn while I was busy with school?

Halfway through the episode I heard the line, “Imagine what her butt tastes like.”

OH MY GOD.

Why are we concerned with additional troops being deployed to Afghanistan, or health care reform? There are far more important things to worry about, like how in the world anyone could enjoy dead ass. That cannot taste good!

I paused the episode, poured some more wine and prepared myself for some seriously weird vamp porn. I started watching it again, but the next scene had nothing pornographic about it.

Huh?

I went back and watched the previous scene again.

“Imagine what her blood tastes like.”

Ohhhh. I was totally prepared to be completely outraged with Hollywood. I’m partly relieved, but sorta left wondering what happens in vamp porn.

It’s been a rough week, but rather than enter meltdown mode I decided to take a break from studying and spend time with Daisy the Pug. Poor girl hasn’t had any attention lately.

So maybe not quality pet time, but seeing the container stuck to her head made me laugh. I really needed that laugh, so I’m sure she’ll forgive me. Or she’ll get all passive-aggressive with her farts. I’ve lived through worse.

This week’s “That’s What She Said” serves as a public service announcement. Footed pajamas SEEM harmless, but they aren’t. They are fleece death traps. Trust me.

1. Pants are bullshit.
2. Yellow Tail Shiraz-Cabernet is my lifeblood.
3. There is nothing sexier than an attentive and well-mannered date. NOTHING.
4. Vodka tonics glow in the dark.
5. Burlesque shows bring all the creepy men to the yard. And some of those men are awesome dancers.
6. Snow is not made of glitter, no matter how much you want it to be.
7. Cookie dough makes a delicious dinner, but will also be the reason your pants are too tight.
8. Knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel is soooo cliche, but damn it feels good.
9. Wearing boots over slipper socks can really be quite fashionable.
10. Hookers are not appropriate holiday gifts.