Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

My dog is an asshole. I’m not being harsh, she totally is.

Yesterday it snowed like crazy at my house. I’m pretty sure the storm hovered right over my driveway and left the rest of the city alone. The weather just loves that I’m single and stuck shoveling snow all alone. Now that I think about it, the weather is also an asshole.

I tried to make Daisy the Pug come outside while I shoveled so she could get some fresh air, but she refused. Instead she sat inside and sipped some brandy while smoking a cigar, or whatever the hell it is old people do all damn day.

She looked out the dog door every twenty minutes to mock me.

Which, to be honest, I deserved the mocking. I was too lazy to get dressed yesterday and shoveled snow in pajama pants without underwear. One thin layer of cotton is not enough to protect my lady bits from the cold, harsh winter elements.

I learned my lesson and will be buying thermals as soon as I dig myself out of this bullshit snow.

This week’s installment of “That’s What She Said” for In Utah This Week is a wrap up of 2009, which to be honest was sort of a dickhead. Here’s to hoping 2010 won’t be!

I’m offically addicted to the Words with Friends app on iPhone. I spent an entire evening eating peanut butter straight from the jar while playing the game with friends. I had pants on AND used a spoon, so it’s not yet pathetic. Give me time.

At first I wasn’t sure I would like the game. It wouldn’t let me play the word clit, which is completely stupid. Sure it’s slang, but it’s still a real word; I checked both a hard copy and online dictionary.

I was, however, allowed to use profanity, and it was worth a whopping 40 points!

As soon as I beat Jen in this game, I’m going to write an email to the game developers and school them on female sexual organs. Without a collectors edition of a vagina action figure, it’s easy to understand why they would miss that.

I’ve never been a huge fan of Facebook. Partly because it’s stupid, and partly because I detest the game applications. Sure, it’s awesome for stalking old boyfriends, but lately that’s not even enough to keep my attention.

In an attempt to find something worthwhile on the site I spent last night trying to hack into my brother’s account. I tried every password combination I could think of:

mysisterisawesome

sarahismyhero

mysisterkicksyoursistersass

thisismylastwillandtestamentandileavesarahEVERYTHING

I finally gave up and asked him for his password, which he willingly gave me. SUCKER.

This was the result:

I took some “Sex and the City” quizzes on his behalf, and he’s totally a Samantha. I respected Ben’s privacy and didn’t read any of his messages. I’d point out how this makes me the best sister ever, but I joined the Sarah Palin fan group which is pretty much the shittiest thing a sister could do.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided it would be a good idea to make a needlepoint as a gift for a friend. I should know better.

So far, so good:

At this point I decided I was a master at this shit:

How quickly the conceited fall:

The lesson here? Always buy gifts. Homemade is crap.

If you insist on DIY gifts, buy a pattern and don’t make it up as you go. Otherwise you end up with a funky looking ‘c’ and framed swear words.

This week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah This Week.