My lovely lady editor, Amy, is on vacation. I took full advantage and published a column all about the word ‘douche‘. I’ve always wondered how many times I could get that word into the magazine. The answer to that is 20.
I had dinner last night with my mom and aunt to celebrate my mom’s birthday. I love my family, but have decided never, EVER to eat with them in public again.
My mom is a nurse, so at least 90% of our conversations disgust me. I don’t need to know about someone’s post pregnancy blood clot over a Cobb salad. She’s forever trying to ruin good food with her gross-out stories. It’s like freaking “Fear Factor” for my mouth.
Fettuccini Alfredo is forever ruined my talk of a colonoscopy.
Egg salad and Salmonella talk don’t mix.
The smell of a Club sandwich will forever remind me of butt boils.
Bran muffins remind me of chopped off fingers.
The list is so long I’m considering developing the “Dinners with Kathy” diet plan and selling it for millions. Of course I’ll give my mom a sizeable cut of the action. The remainder of the money will be used for therapy. I’m gonna need it.
I also think that letting me peruse the clearance section of the local craft store was a very bad idea, albeit a fun one!
It’s no secret that I’m obsessive as shit, which wouldn’t be so bad if I could choose what to obsess over BUT I CAN’T.
This is why the backyard is completely weed free, but my house still isn’t unpacked.
When I learn to control my obsessive behavior I’ll probably rule the world. And my world won’t have weeds unless they are pink, glittery and smell like unicorn farts.
My work nerds have ruined me. I can’t get through a day without making sophomoric ‘your mom’ jokes.
I even make the stupid jokes when no one is around to hear/appreciate them. Tonight, for example, I was cooking noodles and turned this into a your mom joke:
It wouldn’t be so horrible if I hadn’t changed the pitch in my voice and followed it up with “That’s what she said.”
Seriously, I’m broken. I wonder if I can get workers compensation for this.
If you’re a huge fan of Facebook you’ll probably want to skip this week’s column for In Utah This Week. I’m in the midst of an anti-Facebook crisis. I just hate it so much lately. I’d rather do homework than log in, which pretty much tells you THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!
Prepare my wicked readers. As for my righteous readers: Do you have your food storage ready? Do you have a stocked wine cellar? If so, what’s your address?
