Babies are bald pugs. Don’t lie to me and say they aren’t. They totally are.
My friend, Loralee, made the trek from Logan to Salt Lake so I could see her new baby. As I held her baby I sniffed his head and felt my ovaries do cartwheels.
She let me feed him a bottle and give him as many snuggles as I wanted. I haven’t been dating much these days, so I tried to get as much cuddling with a man as possible.
Mid snuggle I noticed a familiar snorting sound.
“Dude, you made a pug!”
“Um…”
“Seriously. Listen to him. He snorts just like Daisy AND his face is just as wrinkly as hers is. You’ve got a human pug!”
In hindsight it may have not been the nicest comparison I could have offered. A simple, “Oh what cute little sounds your baby makes” would have been much nicer. Lor didn’t mind. She’s used to the fact I don’t have a internal filter to shut myself up.
Later I compared him to a potato bug, and then, even later, a horse.
I’m an excellent friend. And well versed in animal sounds.
After spending that much time with a newborn I suddenly pictured myself as a mother. I’d rock the shit out of the playground. I’d be the cool mom that was crazy enough to be fun, but not crazy enough to be committed.
I spent the rest of the day planning my future as a parent.
And then?
I read this.
Yeah. That bitch went and ruined my parental dreams by talking about icky birth details. I’m soooo printing out her post and the next time my family asks when I’m going to settle down and make some freaking babies I’ll hand them her post and scream NEVER! at the top of my lungs.
That’ll shut them up.
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Our Alpha Pug Max thinks he’s a big baby. Belly rubs, sleeps on your pillow, snorks in your ear and wants to cuddle all the time.
And if that post scared you don’t go read Dooce.com lately…
I have always thought kids are just like dogs only you don’t feed them on the floor.
I even told the adoption agency that.
They haven’t called back.
If you compare my child to an animal you are fired as my friend.
Sarah,
That’s so not a fair comparison! Dogs are nearly as icky as babies, and they generally sleep through the night without needing to be fed or have their diaper changed. However, a baby’s spitup might be fairly compared to when a pug snorts and gets snot all over you. So, you do somewhat have a point.
Glad Loralee is not sensitive about animal/child comparisons. One time I went on vacation with a friend who is a mother. When she complained about missing her son I said “yeah, I miss my cat too.” She didn’t speak to me the rest of the day.
It’s very important to be well-versed in animal noises.
That link to the other blog was HILARIOUS!!! And SOOO true!! But, you should probably still have a baby…….someday!!
Ha ha ha!
I totally love this post and you! (My love for the one-eyed mound of canine awesomeness is a given, of course.)
I LOVED seeing you. Babies look good on you, sweetpea.
But having kids is like discovering that your life is in color when you never realized it was in black and white before.
Don’t give up on being a Mom quite yet. You’ll thank me one day.
Holy crap, your fallopian tubes hate me!
I single handedly control the population with my need to spew reproductive hatred, the abstinence movement should exult me!
Take that, Jesus!
Please don’t hate me for saying this but you look totally adorable and so happy holding Loralee’s new little man.
I am very familiar with the ovary cartwheels my niece pretty much makes me do it every time I see her.
[...] KNEW I ACTUALLY BIRTHED A PUG??? Hee. Meet my friend, Sarah. She’s my roomie at BlogHer and I wuv her. She puts up with reading my [...]
that’s nothing. i have a 3 year old nephew who announced to everyone that he’s as fat as a roly poly. of course, this was after being told that telling his 6 year old sister that her tummy is as fat as a roly poly’s is not the appropriate thing to say.
he also answers to monkey boy and pig boy and makes a very believeable sound like a pig. this afternoon we found him lying in the gravel burrowing into it like a pig does in the mud. i rest my case.
Tee hee! Awesome.
I really wish I hadn’t read that post you linked to. I’m having a baby in February and am now scared witless. Cute pug noises aside.