Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

Mormon Jesus is ruining my life.

First he’s like, “Hey Sarah, wine is devil juice and my people aren’t allowed to drink it.” I ignored him because that’s what I do. AND THEN he’s like, “Sarah did know coffee is a warm drink and therefore against the Word of Wisdom?” I wasn’t having anyone tell me I can’t drink coffee so I said, “Jesus, dude, I drink my coffee cold. I’m not breaking your crazy rules. Suck it.”

Telling Jesus to suck it is never a good idea. Ever. He ruined the one and only chance I had at finding true love.

Jeff Tweedy, my soul mate and the lead singer of Wilco, is playing in Las Vegas on June 19. I was ecstatic when I found out. Wilco is one of my favorite bands and I’ve never seen them play. I planned a girls’ trip to Sin City so I could finally meet and marry Jeff Tweedy.

Guess who went and ruined that plan? Yup, Mormon Jesus. He’s like, “Sarah, Sin City is where sinning happens. Forget it. You’re NOT GOING!” I ignored him and continued planning my weekend trip.

I sometimes forget that Jesus is all in charge of the universe or whatever. He decided to spoil my plans by sending my brother home from his two-year LDS mission in Japan on June 19.

Just because I told him to suck it, I’ll never see Wilco play.

Mormon Jesus is so mean.

To read this week’s “That’s What She Said” online go here. To download the PDF version go here.

This week I finally get my chance to have a one-on-one with Jesus. I’m happy to report that the J-Man and I are totally going to be BFFs. I don’t need RLO, I HAVE THE SON OF GOD!

There’s something about my co-worker AND FRIEND, Robyn, that brings out my competitive side.

We compete over important things like grape size, whose frozen lunch is healthier, and then there was The Great Pudding-Off of 2009. We made the office nerds judge who had the tastiest sugar-free pudding.

Last night when I was grocery shopping I decided to pick up some gum to take to the office. I got some for both of us because I’m sweet like that. She likes the Extra Berry Pearadise and I love the Extra Sweet Watermelon. There’s been no clear gum winner until now:

Her gum was on clearance while mine was full price. She may get the better deal, but MY GUM IS BETTER BECAUSE IT COSTS MORE. I WIN. I WIN. I WIN.

It’s hard to be anonymous when you ride a pink scooter.

I get text messages from friends all the time asking how long I’ll be at such and such location. Locations I didn’t mention I’d be at, but that damn pink scooter is easy to spot.

I’m so used to being the only pink scooter that today when I left school I walked to the parking lot and hopped on the wrong pink scooter. I didn’t even notice right way. It looked and felt the same as mine. The only identifier was my key wouldn’t start the ignition. I looked around and quickly realized my mistake when I spotted MY PINK SCOOTER across the parking lot.

Great.. just what I need: one more detail to pay attention to.

However the good news is that people won’t always assume it’s me parked outside the pub—even though it usually is.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my giveaway. We didn’t get as many comments as last time, but I’m taking the blame. I didn’t pimp it out as much as I did before. I’ve been way too busy enjoying my freedom. That freedom, by the way, ends today. My classes start tomorrow… but you don’t want to hear about that, you’d rather hear who won. I don’t blame you!

The winners of the Eden Fantasy’s giveaway are:

Comment 381 was left by my friend Kelli, which feels so weird! Kelli is engaged to one of my dearest friends. It grosses me out to think she’d going to call me to tell me what she buys and then proceed to tell me all about using it. Pretty much I hate randomizer and want to barf.

Comment 118 was left by Bex. I’m thrilled she won because her comment was: “Sarah, you have pretty hair!” Apparently flattery really does get you everywhere.

Congrats girls! Enjoy your winnings.