Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

I decided to register for the Utah Clear the Air Challenge. The idea is to drive less and drive smarter. Fantastic because guess who hates to drive? Yup. Like I always say, “I don’t drive, I’m driven.”

This challenge is perfect for me right now because my car has been acting like a little bitch lately. First demanding a new water pump and now insisting on new spark plug wires. Also my jeans have been a little too tight lately and I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds. Walking two miles to work a couple times a week is just the thing I need.

I care about the air quality, but even more I care about being fat. It’s so on. Who’s in?

You can read this week’s “That’s What She Said” online here. You can download the PDF version here.

I’m the type of person that loves a routine. Every day when I get home I immediately ditch whatever I’m wearing and put on a white tank top and a pair of comfortable boxers that were left at my house years ago by an old boyfriend.

I’m like the white trash Mr. Rogers, but with a vagina.

Lately there’s a problem with this routine: the boxer shorts have been worn so much they are starting to fall apart. I desperately need a new pair. I’d go buy new boxers, but they are only comfortable to me after they’ve been worn a while. I can’t steal a pair from just anyone. Boxers rub on someone’s junk all day, and I’m VERY picky about whose junk I allow in my life.

The only option is to get a new boyfriend. This new boyfriend needs to have excellent taste in underwear because at the end of the day I’m going to be the one wearing them. Is that something I can add to my Match.com profile?

The Utah/BYU rivalry runs deep in my family. My mom graduated from BYU, while my dad is University of Utah alumni. Needless to say college football season makes for a very tense household at the Nielson residence.

My brothers and I inherited my dad’s love of the University of Utah. I guess we know a good thing when we see it. My nephew, Carter, however doesn’t. Yesterday on our drive to the country I was trying to entertain him by pointing out silly buildings.

“Look, Buddy, Utah Rocks.”

“No, Aunt Sarah, it doesn’t. BYU does.”

“Um… I was just pointing out the rock gift shop, not college teams, but Utah does rock. That’s where I go.”

“Pfff…”

My darling grandmother just had her 80th birthday. To celebrate we went to the country for a picnic in the park. I drove with my brother, Matt, and his kids. When Matt ran into a gas station for a drink I quizzed Carter to see if he remembered how to tell ‘your mom’ jokes. The last time didn’t go so well, but now I think he’s getting the hang of it:

Mormon Jesus is ruining my life.

First he’s like, “Hey Sarah, wine is devil juice and my people aren’t allowed to drink it.” I ignored him because that’s what I do. AND THEN he’s like, “Sarah did know coffee is a warm drink and therefore against the Word of Wisdom?” I wasn’t having anyone tell me I can’t drink coffee so I said, “Jesus, dude, I drink my coffee cold. I’m not breaking your crazy rules. Suck it.”

Telling Jesus to suck it is never a good idea. Ever. He ruined the one and only chance I had at finding true love.

Jeff Tweedy, my soul mate and the lead singer of Wilco, is playing in Las Vegas on June 19. I was ecstatic when I found out. Wilco is one of my favorite bands and I’ve never seen them play. I planned a girls’ trip to Sin City so I could finally meet and marry Jeff Tweedy.

Guess who went and ruined that plan? Yup, Mormon Jesus. He’s like, “Sarah, Sin City is where sinning happens. Forget it. You’re NOT GOING!” I ignored him and continued planning my weekend trip.

I sometimes forget that Jesus is all in charge of the universe or whatever. He decided to spoil my plans by sending my brother home from his two-year LDS mission in Japan on June 19.

Just because I told him to suck it, I’ll never see Wilco play.

Mormon Jesus is so mean.