A Brush with Death
Standing in the bathroom, last night, waiting for the clogged sink to drain I let out a string of expletives that would make any sailor cower. And then I put lotion on my elbows. The benefit of having a clogged sink is really, really soft elbows.
As I was applying lotion I noticed something strange–my elbows were purple. Not bruised purple, but dead heroin addict hooker purple. Upon closer inspection I noticed that same shade of death covered my entire upper body.
What… the… fuck?
DAMMIT! I should have filled out the living will paperwork my mother sent me. I’m facing death and I don’t have a living will, or even a regular will. Not to mention I don’t have any money to leave anyone. Now is NOT the time to die! I’ve got to make a bunch of money to leave my niece and nephew. I’ve already planned out the stipulations on their non-existent trust fund. It’s simple really… if they vote anything but Democrat the money skips their greedy little pockets and is donated to the Democratic Party.
I was this close to calling and demanding my brother let me talk to the kids—I was not about to die without saying goodbye—when I stepped on the sweater I had just taken off. The new, BLACK sweater I had just taken off.
Ohh….
So that’s why you’re supposed to wash dark clothing before wearing it. Humph. Probably good to know.
One time I wore a blue shirt. it was super cute, and new. When I took it off I noticed my stomach had a blueish tint to it, and I was like “Holy crap my body stopped circulating oxygen and I’m gunna dieeeeeeee” and then I realized my bra was blue too. and I was like “phew.” and then I wore the same shirt in Grey. but this time I didn’t panic when my entire torso was greyish at the end of the day
I hate when that happens! I bought 2 new pairs of dark jeans and had the same thing happen.
I recently went to the doctor for a reddish-orangish rash I’d had for a day and a half on my hand. Turns out, nail polish remover was able to take it off. Still no clue what that was, though….
Yeah, at my 8th birthday, we rode these stupid motorboats and I was purple for a freaking week after getting totally soaked in my brand new BUM Equiptment (children of the 90′s, you with me?!) ensemble.
Oh my God, you’re a genius. That’s why the black sweater I’m wearing today rubbed off on the pink shirt underneath. You are so freaking smart. I heart you.
Hahaha, I love stuff like that. The irrational freakout. The other day I was in the waiting room of a hospital with my Dad, waiting for him to have surgery. And all of a sudden I can hear down the hallway this loud sawing sound. and I start FREAKING out, and being like “Wtf is gonna happen to you Dad?!!!” And he laughs and he’s like “Relax, they’re renovating the building”
thats the worst! Or when it sticks to your bra, and then it looks like you are wearing a filthy bra.
This happened to me once with a blue skirt. Except, I was in India where the guide book will tell you everything kills you and I was sure I had some rare Indian disease that no one tells you about that turns your body a translucent shade of bluish white.
Then I showered – and while drying off – I died the white towel blue.
Holy fucking cow! I did the iPhone optimized layout.
Err…dig. Damn that iPhone autocorrect.
That was a close one! You better call your neice and nephew right now!
I wore a new pair of fuzzy black yoga pants once before washing them. And when I took them off…well…lets just say I about passed out and went straight to the shower to shave.
Haha, Sarah have you ever heard of FML? I think you’ll get a kick out of it. http://www.fmylife.com – Example – “Today, I went and got a spray on tan. I forgot to push the hair cap up. A few hours later, I was completely tan, except for the top half of my forehead was pasty white. It will last for five days. FML”
I thought my circulation had been cut off one summer when I wore a pair of indigo jean capris.