Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

My baby brother, Chady-bear, is currently serving an LDS mission in Japan. When he decided to go on a mission my first thought was that he would try and force Mormonism onto me. My second thought was who the hell would wash and vacuum my car once he left?

My car is filthy, and luckily so is my soul. I haven’t received any preachy letters with scripture quotes and guilt trips. Instead he tells me stories about his experiences in Japan, which I find far more interesting than gospel stories.

He’s due home this summer. And just when I started getting excited to have my baby brother back he had to go and do the unthinkable. His last letter had a religious themed message to it, well not so much the letter as the enclosed picture.

In this case, a pictures really isn’t worth a thousand words–just one word, and a bossy one at that:

When he gets home I’m going to have to sit him down to discuss his poor choice of facial hair, just as soon as my car is clean.

RLO dragged me into Williams-Sonoma again last night.

I don’t cook so I’ll never fully appreciate the appeal of that store. I get bored after two seconds in the store and am forced to find other entertainment. My idea of entertainment is bugging RLO when he’s busy concentrating on grapefruit knives. Now he’ll never know which grapefruit knife is superior. Damn.

“Hey RLO, which would you rather have an espresso maker or an Apple TV?”

“Oh, definitely the appletini.”

“That’s pretty interesting since I didn’t mention an appletini, you don’t drink, and you’re supposedly straight.”

I can’t be sure what his comment was afterward, because I was too busy picturing him sitting on his couch in a silk robe, drinking an appletini and listening to Barbra Streisand records.

I’m going to share another embarrassing bathroom moment. I am well aware that I have far more humiliating moments than most people. I think this is because I never bother thinking before speaking. That coupled with the fact I don’t have a filter results in way too many ‘Sarah-ness’ moments.

I hate walking into the office bathroom and having it smell bad. Of course I hate the smell, but even worse I hate someone attributing that smell to me.

For example, at my last job I was in the bathroom washing my hands when a fellow employee walked in. The bathroom was especially stinky and I didn’t want her thinking it was me so I said, “I swear that disgusting stench isn’t from me. It was a stink bomb before I arrived. Someone must have really had some bad food for lunch.” She looked at me and said, “That was me. I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you with my intestinal system.”

FUCK.

What does one do in that situation short of disappearing into thin air? I felt like an asshole, apologized and walked out.

I have yet to figure out why so many of my humiliating life moments seem to take place in the bathroom, and until I do it’s best to probably just avoid public restrooms altogether.

Unrelated: does anyone know if you can buy space diapers online?

I want everyone to learn from my mistakes. Unless I hate you, if I hate you I want you to suffer the same humiliation because I’m sort of a horrible person like that.

I never bother checking to make sure there’s toilet paper in public restroom stalls before entering the stall. Call me irresponsible if you must, but I’d rather you call me adventurous.

Yes, this actually is that kind of post. Deal with it.

Yesterday at school I found a seat in class, asked the guy next to me to watch my bag and then made a quick trip to the bathroom. It was far too late when I realized there wasn’t any toilet paper in my stall. I panicked. There’s always the drip-dry option, but I didn’t want to walk into class late. I called out to the other person I could hear in the bathroom for help. She kindly obliged and handed me a wad of paper. When I walked out of the stall she was washing her hands and I thanked her again. I told her she saved me from ten minutes of the drip-dry method. She gave me a weird look and rushed out.

Kids today are so shy about taking about their vagina’s with strangers.

I finished washing my hands and walked back into class. I sat down, thanked the guy for watching my bag and then pulled out my computer to take notes. In the process I bumped the girl sitting on the other side of me. I hadn’t taken the time to look at her until that moment. Of course it was the bathroom girl. I smiled at her, but she looked away.

This is why I’ve decided to break up with Jesus. I’m sick of this sort of thing happening to me. If Jesus is indeed a savior, wouldn’t he have saved me from this sort of embarrassing situation? Seriously, he’s so fired right now.

This week is exhilarating. I have so much to look forward to. Is there anyone NOT watching “Lost?” Because if so you’re dead to me. I was this close to making a “Lost” advent calendar to track the days until the new episode. And I totally would have, but I’m lazy.

Seriously, I’m ecstatic.

And it seems like there’s another big event this week.

Hmm…

Yeah, yeah… I’m kidding. Like I could forget about today! Last night I was pajama clad and in bed by 9:00 pm. Not because I was especially tired, but because I knew the sooner I went to bed, the sooner I’d wake to inauguration day.

It doesn’t matter who you voted for, there’s no denying today is a historical day. I’m so proud of my country for voting Barak Obama into office. A man who will, without a doubt, make an excellent President of the United States to all Americans. My Tivo is set to record news coverage on two stations, and I set my old school VRC as backup. I can’t miss a second of this.

It’s feels just like Christmas morning. Only this Christmas will last the next four years.

Bring it Obama!