Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas. I also hope your mother didn’t force you to put on your pajamas and sit on some strange old man’s lap. Mine did. Because that’s how you celebrate in the country.

My brother, Ben, and I are in the country for the holidays.  The country, in case you don’t know, is the most boring thing ever.  When we complained to my mother about how bored we were she suggested we do her hair, go caroling to the neighboring cattle or read Christmas stories to one another.

Umm… no thanks.

Instead we opened a few presents.  One of which was from my grandmother and contained a package of needles.  I’m not really sure why, but it was fun nonetheless.

The needles resulted in all sorts of Nielson madness.  Next year I’m asking for surgical tubing.

The last part of the video is by far the best–Ben always makes me laugh. His concentration in this video is remarkable, but not nearly as funny as the other.

Here is my column for this week: “That’s What She Said.”

The issue for this week is all about NYE, if you live locally and want to check out what’s going on do that here.  I would, but I’m trying to find an excuse to stay home that night.  So far I’ve got: 1) I’m snowed in, and 2) I’m grounded.

Both excuses are sort of lacking, but people stopped believing me when I told them I was too scared of Hannibal Lecter to leave my house.

Sunday my friend Aimee and I had SarAimee adventures.

In the old days, before she let a boy move into her house, our adventures included lots and lots of girly stuff.  This adventure, however, included a trip into two snowboarding stores.

It was here I discovered that I’m going to be a lesbian.

Aimee was talking to the clerk about the difference in snowboarding socks when I heard something that changed my life: antibacterial socks.

After questioning the clerk on why anyone would need antibacterial in socks, I found out that people don’t wash their snowboarding gear.  And by people I mean boys.  The flashback images of all the dirty-footed snowboarding guys I’ve made out with in my life caused immediate hives.  I swore off boys right then and there.

On our way home we needed a major infusion of estrogen so we stopped by a coffee shop named Diva.  It helped, but I’m probably going to have to stick to my original plan and make 2009 the year of the lesbian.

Imaginary boyfriends are the most generous boyfriends of all.  My imaginary boyfriend knows exactly what to buy me for Christmas.  No silly gifts that I won’t use, or that are too generic.  He buys me the exact same things I would buy for myself.

Not only is my imaginary boyfriend generous, but also incredibly smart.  He crossed out the tags on the gifts from Kelli and wrote in his name.  GENIUS! I can’t help but love him more every day.