Tales of Wit and Charm…

To read my column this week click here. It’s all about the Gallivan concerts, which are tonight.  See you there?

Sitting in the dark movie theater waiting for the movie to start Non-Troll’s phone rang.  It was on silent mode since we were in a theater, but it lit up and I could see someone was calling him.  ANNOYING!

“I hate your phone.”

“Really, why?”

“It’s always ringing.  But don’t feel special because I hate everyone’s phone.”

“I hope I’m never special.”

“Oh honey, you never will be.”

“Ahhh…”

At that point he leaned over and kissed me hard in the middle of the theater.  Any man who can find my abrupt Sarah-speak cute, is a man I plan on keeping around–at least throughout the remainder of the summer.

When I got out of class last night I noticed someone had left a voice mail on my phone. It was from my brother Ben. Weird. Ben never, ever leaves messages. Suddenly I was overcome with anxiety–worried that something may have happened to him or another member of my family.

“Sarah, there’s something really important I need to tell you…”

OHMYGOD! Insert total panic attack here. During his brief pause I imagined every single one of my loved ones dying a horrible, tragic death. His pause was very short, but my crazy, overactive imagination is very fast.

“…..I’ve decided I’m going to grow a mullet again. I just thought you should know. Talk to you later.”

Yes, again. Stupid Ben. I don’t know which is worse: a dead family member, or a brother with a mullet.  But I do know if I had sisters, rather than four brothers this type of message would never happen.  Instead it would be a joyous messaging reminding me about the sale at Nordstrom or about the cute shoes on sale at Aldo.

I had a date Saturday night.  Rather than be creative or at all interesting, we opted for a movie at my place.  I’m quickly realizing the only good taste non-troll doll has is in women, because this is the second worst movie I’ve seen in the past month.  The other god awful movie was also his pick.

I’m not kidding, this movie was so boring I pulled out my iPhone and read the newspaper while he continued to watch.  I continued to refill my wine glass, and even that didn’t make the movie better.  I whined enough that he finally turned the movie off, gave me a kiss and went home.

The next morning I stumbled into the kitchen for coffee and vitamins–the breakfast of champions, yo!  While I waited for the coffee to brew I grabbed a handful of vitamins and reached for an orange vitamin drink that had been left on my counter. I tossed the pills into my mouth and took a giant swig of the orange drink.

Something didn’t taste right.  In fact it was downright disgusting. I spit the drink and pill concoction into the sink.  Still gagging over the taste, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and picked up the drink for a closer inspection.  I’d somehow forgotten he’d mixed a few shots of vodka into the drink.  Warm vodka is one of the least pleasant things to experience on a Sunday morning.  Well that, and church.

Dear Internet,

I’m likely going to die in a fire this weekend.  I only tell you this because you’ll miss me.  I know you will.  You, my mother both, and possibly Ben.  RLO, however, will not miss me.  I can’t blame him at all.  In fact upon my death RLO may bloom into the lovely person I won’t let him be.

I just took out the batteries of every single fire detector in my apartment.  Not because I have a death wish but because I couldn’t figure out which one was the cause of the low battery chirp.  I’d rather risk death than risk chirping-induced insanity.

Internet I will miss you.

Love,
Sarah

I saw them again today at the bus stop. Once again my heart melted, which is good because it proves I had a heart in the first place.