Tales of Wit and Charm…

I don’t have the best eating habits. This we reinforced over the weekend by Alaska Pat, my soon-to-be personal trainer. It’s not that I don’t eat healthy, because typically I do, it’s that I don’t eat regular meals. I blame my schedule, but truthfully it just seems like a hassle more often than not. Which is why Wheat Chex and vanilla soy milk were invented… to sustain me.

This morning in an attempt to eat at least three meals a day, I had a cup of coffee with soy milk. Soy milk counts as a real meal, right? Then, as I ran out the door, I grabbed one of my Dannon Light & Fit-Carb & Sugar Control Smoothies to drink for lunch. Since I’m not in the office very many hours as is, I rarely take a lunch.

Just now, as I was about to drink said smoothie, I noticed the expiration date was Nov 14. In my quest for good health, I choose to ignore the fact and drink it anyway. Now, I’m just sitting around waiting to die wondering how important forcing yourself to eat really is.

Tagged: I am to post 7 weird things about myself.

The rules are:

A). Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
D). Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1) I still sleep with a baby blanket. I’ve been known to take it along when spending the night with men. An ex used to tease me mercilessly, but secretly he thought it was hot.

2) I cannot sleep if my knees are touching, or if my my hair is touching my face. The baby blanket comes in handy for keeping my knees apart (insert own perverted thought here). The hair issue is solved by putting my hair in a bun at night. Which, I’ve been told, makes me naughty librarian hot.

3) I like my coffee better cold, even in the winter. I think it’s the last remaining bit of Mormon in me. MUST DRINK CAFFEINE COLD! That shit is hardwired into my brain.

4) I hate pushing a grocery cart. When I go shopping I use the little basket, even if it means going to the grocery store more often. The only time I push one is when I go to Costco with Marky, and he ditches the cart like he did today. Yes, I’m still bitter.

5) There are stacks of books surrounding my bed, but when I bring a guy home I kick them under the bed so he doesn’t see. I have no idea why I don’t want a man to see how much I read, especially since it helps with the naughty librarian role play.

6) I made up words all the time and try to pass them off as actual words. Sometimes I can be so convincing I forget they aren’t real myself.

7) I know an entire bottle of wine fits perfectly into a Nalgene bottle. I know this because it’s the only way to get me to go camping and/or hiking. Red wine makes everything fun! I don’t actually think this is weird, but others have teased me enough I’m nearly convinced.

Note to self: be less weird.

I’m too lazy to tag anyone, so let’s mix this up and let seven readers tag themselves. Leave a comment on this post so people can link to yours.

Dear Chady-Bear,

I’m really slow at getting a letter off to you. I’m sorry, Bear! I’ve been really busy trying to beat my baby brother through college. It’s a weird competition, but a competition all the same. I. Must. Win. I can’t wait for this semester to be over—23 credit hours wasn’t exactly a good idea. I’m totally spent.

Thank you for your birthday letter! I know you love me… why else would you risk your mission by sending your sister wine? I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules. Maybe it’s better you weren’t able to find it—as much as I want you to come home, I’d feel really guilty if you were sent home because of my Hello Kitty obsession and need for wine.

I laughed so hard at the thought of you filling your suitcase full of beer. As funny as that would be, please don’t. Sapporo is not only sold here, but also sold in adult sizes. The picture of you holding the itsy bitsy can kept us all laughing!

Even though I’m busy, things are good. I don’t love that I saw Christmas stuff in stores before Halloween, but I do love that the holidays are getting closer! It’s going to be hard this year not having you around. I get bored visiting home if there’s not someone to bug. Ben and I bug each other on a constant basis so he’s out of the question. Matt’s always napping so he’s out. Maybe it’s time to groom Carter for the position. The point is, you’ll be missed. A lot. You’re the baby and I absolutely love you.

Speaking of loving you, you said something the day you left that is still haunting me. I can’t remember your exact words but something to the affect that I loved Ben more than I loved you. Whenever I think about those words I get a giant lump in my chest. Chady, I love all my brothers; I just have more in common with Ben. That doesn’t mean I love him more than you. You are the sweet little baby boy that used to sleep on my bedroom floor just to be close to me. You are the brother I took time out of my busy teenager schedule to drive you to daycare every day. You are the one who, at six, cried and cried when I left home asking if I was leaving because I didn’t love you anymore. Chady, I loved you then, and I love you now. Nothing is going to change that.

Now that we got that out of the way let’s talk Christmas. Mom is going to send you a package from all of us, but is there anything you want me to send? Contraband items of any kind? I’m more than happy to be your dealer. Let me know.

Have a good week Bear, and remember I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Sissy

Dear Asshole in the red Toyota Landcruiser,

Putting a sticker on your vehicle that reads: “I think it was a mistake to give women the right to vote,” just shows what a prick you really are. Also, smoking a cigar while driving at 8:30 AM doesn’t help your image.

I’m trying to be more careful with my karma, but will risk it when I say, “I hope you burn in hell.”

Regards,
Sarah

To read this week’s column go here!

me: Is it possible to feel too fat for the gym?

marky: I’m right there with ya. I feel more like doing whatever is opposite of the gym. Which, I guess, is what I am doing right now.