Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

are no Tuesdays with Morrie!
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My dad once accused me of being a fair-weathered Ute fan. I denied it, but he’s absolutely right. After attending yesterday’s game in the snow I came home and vowed never again. From now on, I’ll be watching from the comfort of my home, or a well-stocked bar.

It was fun-ish, but I discovered I’m not pretty when I’m miserable and I don’t like that one bit. Thanks to the boy who put up with my whining and let us sneak out early as hypothermia prevention. I promise I’m not mad you tried to kill me, but you still owe me a dry adventure.

I’m always amazed by the search terms that lead to my blog. Here are a few goodies from this week:

what perfume do strippers wear
naked family love
things to make with my old sweater
kolob bitches

Now if you’ll excuse me, this Kolob Bitch has a bottle of red wine waiting.

I’m never washing my hair again. We really know that’s not true–I’m a product addict, but for a moment this morning I seriously considered it.

Maddie and I attended a singles event at The Depot last night. A friend of a friend started a dating service. Showing support and being mildly curious we went. I washed my hair and Maddie shaved her legs. Together we were one hygienic hottie.

It wasn’t what I was expecting… desperation comes in all forms. We left after a few minutes and went to the food court. My desperation is in the form of Taco Time. Washing my hair and wearing cute new shoes for a mall food court is not my idea of a night on town. There’s not a flask big enough for that–trust me, I’ve looked.

I broke up with the Mormon church years and years ago. There are many reasons, but that’s another post for another day. Let’s keep this post light, shall we?

I never paid tithing so I wasn’t missed. Missionaries have dropped by my apartment on numerous occasions and I’ve always politely told them I’m uninterested. Since I haven’t officially broken up with the Mormons I’m still a member of a ward. A ward that I’ve never been to, and never will. I even have a visiting teacher… I’ve only met her once and I told her I wasn’t interested in having a visiting teacher. I felt horrible saying it because she was this sweet older woman, but I really, REALLY didn’t want a monthly guilt trip–I have a mom for that.

That didn’t stop her. Once a month she leaves me a treat outside my door. Obviously I can’t say no to baked goods, have you seen the size of my ass? This month’s treat was pumpkin/chocolate chip goodness. It was delicious and the closest I’ve come to seeing God in a very long time, which proves I need a boyfriend.

To read this week’s column for In Utah This Week click here.