Tales of Wit and Charm…

picture it…

i’m in a one-on-one appointment with someone i admire, and look up to a great deal, when my phone starts ringing. i quickly try to silence it, but instead accidentally answer it and place it back into my bag. i continue on with my conversation until i hear a man yelling from inside my handbag. i realize my mistake, terminate the call, blush and move on. if my ring tone wasn’t aqua’s “barbie girl” song, it may have lessened the humiliation factor.

i’ve GOT to start remembering to put my phone on vibrate, of all people you’d think i’d have that mastered.

I went to a BBQ last night at a friend’s house. These are some of my favorite boys around, so much in fact when they call me bitch I just smile and get them another beer. Because really isn’t that what a good bitch does?

Feeling guilty that I wasn’t helping, I walked into the kitchen and offered assistance to the pretty boy with dimples. He requested I grab an onion out of the friends and cut it for the burgers. A woman in the kitchen, who I didn’t know, said “Oh, I’ll do it—she probably doesn’t even know how to cut an onion.” I don’t know why but this totally hurt my feelings. She was pretty accurate, since I’ve not cut an onion in years, but really how difficult can it be? I smiled politely and quickly left the kitchen for the sanctity of the porch.

Since summer is just around the corner, perhaps I should buy a book that demonstrates (with pictures) how to properly cut all vegetables. It might just be worth my time.

i want to thank everyone who emailed me after reading thursday’s column. from the huge response it sounds like i’m not the only one in the city with a broken heart. thanks for sharing and trusting me with your own breakup stories–it really means a lot to me.

this week’s column can be found here. this particular one was very emotional for me to write. adding the picture of my dream ring nearly threw me into a prozac seeking fit. be gentle.

when i’m depressed i let my dog sleep on my bed.
i can’t break the diet coke habit, no matter how hard i try. sometimes i drink one with a vitamin and consider it breakfast.
i think my legs are too fat.
i have a weakness for shoes, they live in a giant pile at the bottom of my closet. i always say i’m going to get a shoe organizer, but i never do.
i like to be earth friendly, but i use paper bowls sometimes because i hate doing dishes.
i do yoga almost every day and count it as exercise.
i stress out every single day over what to wear.
i hate most of my clothing and wish i had a better sense of fashion.
i hate that kate spade discourages light pink because it’s cute and she hates cute.
i like to make fun of things, but hate being called judgemental.
i’m nervous to sleep with new people.
if i could, i’d wear my pink ‘roos every single day, even with dresses.
i hate my hair, but am afraid if i cut it shorter or change the color i won’t be pretty.
sometimes i look in the mirror and think i’m pretty, other times i think i’m too ugly to leave the house.
whatever i wear to bed has to match, even though no one is going to see me.
i’m addicted to lip balm.
i make lists for everything, but usually forget them.
i think god and my mother are confused about the year i was born. i certainly don’t feel 31.