Tales of Wit and Charm…

i went to my ex’s house for the evening to watch a movie.

as a woman it’s my duty to walk around trying to notice anything different from the last time i was there. i can’t help it, it’s written into my genetic code. blame god.

there was a dixie chicks album on his stereo and a hawaiian shirt in his closet with the ugliest flowers ever printed to fabric. i was afraid to look any longer in fear my eyes would bleed out of their sockets, which would’ve made driving home an ordeal.

let this be a lesson to all future boyfriends, when i go everything good in your life seems to follow, including your musical taste and sense of fashion. the rest? well, that’s a secret.

while driving home last night, i was stressing over dinner.

i didn’t have any groceries in the house, unless you count the 72 hour kit santa brought me this year, which i don’t. i hate grocery shopping almost as much as i hate the dentist, rush limbaugh, the fact i didn’t have to look up the spelling of limbaugh, and grainy porn downloaded from the internet. i looked down at my phone and saw i had a message. it was my uncle bry asking me on a date for dinner. needless to say, i happily accepted.

the company was nice, but truthfully i’d have chosen dinner with charles manson over grocery shopping.

i’ve always wanted to live at the plaza, hell, i’d even settle for just staying there one night at this point! it has nothing to do with the beautiful architecture, nor the famous parties and balls held there over the years. it’s all because of the children’s storybook character eloise. come on, why do you think i own a pug?!

i was going through my eloise book collection to find the perfect one to give my niece, hannah, for her upcoming third birthday when i found this one:i’d never noticed before, but her pug has one eye too! ok, so maybe it’s winking but still…when daisy lost her eye a few years ago, in an effort to console me, by boyfriend at the time said it just looked like she was winking all the time. it made me feel better at the time, and i’ve thought of it as such ever since.

i determine my level of friendship by my ability to make a person cry– horrible, but true. sometimes it’s the “i hate you’ cry, but typically it’s the ‘oh so tender’ cry i’m going for, mostly because i’m a controlling bitch, but whatever, that’s not really the point.

today, i successfully made my bestest sister friend jen cry. again. it’s usually a bi-weekly thing with her.

i emailed her to tell her about her doppelganger:
today in my writing class the girl across the room from me looked exactly like you did a few years ago. her hair was short and flippy in the back; the color was dark brown with just a hint of red when the light hit it just right. she had pretty pouty lips and your exact skin tone. i kept staring at her, and without a doubt, she must think i’m a total lesbian. she was holding still for so long that i felt as if i was looking at an old picture of you. i was so mesmerized by her, that when she finally moved i freaked out.

her reply was as follows:
your story about the girl in your class made me tear up! you jerk!

yup, I still got it!

it’s no secret i’m a giant clutz. ben always laughs that i manage to get hurt nearly every single time i leave the house! i’m constantly bruised from bumping into things. yesterday was no exception, i smashed my hand on the doorknob trying to hurry out of my apartment. the only thing that differed is where i bruised myself.
seriously, who bruises their left-hand ring-finger? i think it’s a bad omen, and i can plan on remaining single forever. i think my editor will be very, very pleased.