Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

top five people the world could do without:

1. paris hilton (it’s a love/hate thing with her)

2. mariah carey

3. george dubya

4. bill o’reilly

5. the desperate housewives

someone recently asked how one goes about obtaining a key to my humble abode. let me share that knowledge with all of you. first and foremost, your having a precious copy of my key must benefit me somehow, typically those who hold the key let daisy out for me. i can foresee myself being persuaded into giving my key away for the following reasons:

-if you promise to leave me treats or presents.
-if you have recently gone shopping at the liquor store and want to leave some juice for me.
-if you are planning on cleaning or doing laundry, my laundry.
-if you are going to organize my closet OR build me something to house all my shoes.
-if you are going to run me a tubby.
-if you are going to take daisy for a walk or an outing of any kind, not the pound.
-did i mention leaving me presents???

i’d also like a background check, unless you are related. and yes, that’s my real key, cute i know!

it’s like those kind folks at target put things on clearance just for me–hello kitty, hello pink, hello sarah! ! now, i can listen to npr in the bathroom without driving my neighbors crazy. my not so inner child is currently dancing around my apartment getting ready for a tubby!

i have no idea how it happened. it just did. i confused these two:
dwight yoakum and lyle lovett. they do have a few similarities; bad hair, rumored musical talent. dwight will be at the depot friday night, without me, had he been lyle lovett i would have been there. sad, because i was really looking forward to it. i even had a master plan. i was going to have a “friend” who works there sneak me in. my outfit was planned and everything. yes, it included a ski mask. damn. i’m retarded.

anyway. justin, i forgive you for laughing at me.

phrases ben refuses to acknowledge:

i’m gonna blog that!
does this matchy match match?
if i accidentally forget to come home tonight, will you let daisy out in the morning?

if any of these are uttered from my mouth, he instantly stops listening. brothers can be so very annoying. if it weren’t for the garbage removal and heavy box lifting, i would repeat above phrases over and over until he curls into a ball and cries for our mommy.

i’ve been banned from his apartment tonight for asking him if my pink vest and pink purse are too matchy match match. well, maybe there is something i am forgetting to mention. i walked in telling him just how hot my ass looks in my new jeans, when i realized there were others there. and not just any others. home teachers.

wait wait, there’s more. last sunday i noticed he wasn’t leaving for church. being the concerned big sister that i am, i went over to remind him (fine, i wanted to watch a movie over there). he was upstairs so i yelled to ask him if he was going to church. “no, i’m going to get some lunch instead”. being me, i yelled back that he should stop choosing food over god. it was then i heard a nervous girl giggle. a real one, not the ben girl giggle (ak can back me up on that). why is it that i always manage to offend his friends?

there really ought to be a signal. not just for when they have girls over, but practicing mormons. if he is excommunicated soon, i will take all blame…..proudly.

as someone pointed out to me last week; i don’t have “means for fire” in my place. no lighter. no matches. nothing.

i am 30 (eek!) and don’t currently own matching dishes, wine glasses, or for that matter have any matching glassware except the recently purchased martini glasses in my place.

unlike every woman i know, i don’t have “skinny jeans”. i do, however, own a pair of fat jeans.

i desperately need to get a new nose ring (the pretty pink jewel fell out), or rid my nose of one altogether. i am a giant baby and don’t want to go have someone torture me alone, jen isn’t here to hold my hand this time.

i miss sleeping next to someone, it just isn’t the same when there is no one to battle it out for the good pillow.