Sarah Bellum's Tales of Wit and Charm

i finally made it to MY doctor today, no more instacrapcare. my ear is still troubling me, and by troubling i mean hurting like a son of bitch (or gun for JB)! you know the drill when you have a doc appointment….wait…wait.. and then some more waiting. so i read a few gossip rags and am all caught up. did you know jen & brad broke up? people, please quit stealing the good magazines from waiting rooms! i want recent gossip, after all that is one of the reasons to go to the doctor.

i finally make it into the next waiting room, and i wait (the theme of my day). no old mags to be found there. i busied myself with the ear charts, i like to self diagnose. i was so engrossed in memorizing the names of the ear canals i didn’t realize the good old doc himself had walked in. no big deal, right? wrong. i look up to see him laughing. why you ask? i just happened to be singing to myself.

what sarah needs now is drugs, sweet drugs it’s the only thing that there’s just too little of what sarah needs now is drugs, sweet drugs no not just for some but for everyone.

you would think i would be totally humiliated, but i wasn’t. come on, they are so used to me there. i am like the daughter he never had, that quirky daughter he thanks god nightly he didn’t have.

on with the professional diagnosis…as he is explaining why my ear infection wants to linger, i interrupt with my thoughts: well, doctor that makes sense, but have you considered perhaps my eustachian tube might be the problem? it is possible it never grew into a kink as most do when reaching adulthood. i could still be hearing the world as a child, with a straight eustachian tube, i mean that IS possible.

he stops and looks at me for a moment, looks around the room and said, “i thought i told the nurse to hide those books from you!” he must have been so busy enjoying my rendition of burt bacharach that he didn’t notice the look of guilt and the sudden slide movement hiding the book under the chair.

…and sometimes i wonder why they can’t fit me into the schedule, sigh…

i had a crummy day (the reasons need not be blogged), but then i remembered i had new tubby juice, i just love bath and body coupons! so, all day i am looking forward to coming home for a nice relaxing tubby, and when i get something in my head i want nothing stops me, or so i thought….

aromatherapy lavender vanilla foaming bath. √
scrumptious sugar scrub. √
glass of wine. √√
current new yorker complete with new sedaris story. √
billie holiday music. √

locked the front door to stop any surprise guests….and i was set. i just got settled in when i heard someone coming up the stairs. please, please don’t be for me. ben lives across the hall, let it be one of his lame friends. nadda. loud knocking at my door. crappity crap crap. i get out, all while telling myself– it’s probably just krissy and she forgot something. again, nadda. my downstairs neighbor was there to inform me my tub was leaking through her ceiling. double crappity crap crap. thus endeth the near fabulous tubby i have been looking forward to, and thus endeth my evening plans. argh….

at least now there is a reason to finish off that bottle of wine.

it’s summer, the way i can tell is: i washed my car, wore flip-flops, and donned pink glitter lip gloss. these are only summer time activities for me. feel free to ignore the snow in the mountains, because i am. seriously, it’s summer. i can feel it.

which means instead of being a hermit i can get back to business. including but not limited to sarahday nights with aimee, and evenings on the sbux patio. did you hear (errr…read) that aim? saraimee is back!

we all know the term “walk of shame”, more than likely out of personal experience (like me). this morning i felt the walk of shame, without the walk. i went to take daisy out and instead of putting more clothes on i figured she would be quick and it was warm enough that i was ok. well, ok…i wasn’t. i didn’t factor in church. come sunday morning my street is packed with cars, and those cars are filled with nice church going families. there i stood in my ratty old see through tank top and super short boxers. my hair at crazy angles and make up under my eyes. i look like i had been rode hard and put away wet (i wish, sigh…). i swear those parents hurried their kids the minute they saw me, and i swear as they walked away the children were warned about girls like me. ok, maybe that last part was a lie.

humiliation before coffee, not the ideal way to start my day.

top ten reasons why i like my ipod better than people:

1-my ipod always does exactly what i tell it to do.
2-my ipod requires little maintenance.
3-my ipod goes anywhere i want, without complaints.
4-my ipod doesn’t have any opinion on life choices i make.
5-my ipod is always there for me.
6-my ipod never tells me i am too opinionated.
7-my ipod doesn’t mind when i flake.
8-my ipod never judges my musical choices (e.g. lyle lovett and neil diamond).
9-my ipod wears pink leather.
10-my ipod never hurts my feelings by saying the wrong thing.